Monday, December 27, 2010

How Fifth Third Bank made me realize that I am America's Personal Jesus

Dear America (and your son, the Fifth Third Bank),

I have been within your borders for just over a week now, and I'll be gone in just a few days. Our time together has been short, but it has definitely been sweet. However, I am deeply alarmed about the current economic crisis, and I can't really see this supposed upswing that people are talking about. And I know why. You can blame it on the Fifth Third Bank. 

WTF America. WTF.

Maybe if your financial institutions could do math you wouldn't be in such dire straits. I wrote this equation for you to help you out:

This is a really special equation because its solution also equals me dancing maniacally while screaming "Here comes Johnny singing oldies, goldies, Be bop a lua baby what I say!!!!" But that is neither here nor there... we need to get down to business. The business of saving your butt. I am going to teach Fifth Third Bank how to do math.

Firstly, Fifth Third, your logo does not symbolize "fifth third". Numerically, 5/3 means five thirds... which is really kind of dumb, because that is the equivalent of 1 and 2/3, or 1.6 repeating. No one would ever really say five thirds. So, I have conveniently renamed your establishment the "One Point Six Repeating Bank." You're welcome. Also, if you insist on keeping your stupid nonsensical name, you need to redesign your logo to actually represent Fifth Third, which would be some variation of "5th 3rd". Again, you are so welcome. I am saving your ass. I am like the Jesus of your ass. I need to stop talking now. 

But seriously, I could be your Jesus, and here is why: 

Holy crap. We all know that Urban Dictionary is the 2nd most reliable source on the whole wide internet, after Wikipedia. And speaking of Wikipedia, it is from Wikipedia that I have learned that the Fifth Third Bank was named thusly because it was created as the result of a merger between the Third National Bank and the Fifth National Bank. Since this came about during the time of prohibitionist ideals, naming the bank "Third Fifth" was considered inappropriate because it could be misconstrued as a reference to three fifths of alcohol. Um... what!? 

I have another equation for you:

Just sayin'.

Actually, if you really think about it, 5/3 is more moonshine than 3/5. I have a new drinking game to play when I visit America! My friends and I will each drive around with a large bottle of moonshine in the passenger's seat of our respective cars. We will set out at random, not knowing where the other is headed and will drive for 10 miles. For each Fifth Third that we pass we are obliged to do 1 and 2/3 shots of moonshine. Whoever is the drunkest upon our return wins! The usual rules of driving also apply (you know, like 5 points for striking down middle-aged folks, 2 for morbidly obese people (easier targets) and 20 points for taking out cyclists, etc.), so tally up those points too. The drunker you get, the better you are at the normal rules of the road. Fun for the whole family!

I need to wrap this up because I am ruining my own cause by talking too much about nothing, but you can clearly see that I am not responsible for this drunk driving. Fifth Third and Wikipedia basically forced me to play this game at gunpoint. 

So, to sum up, dear America, Fifth Third Bank is responsible for the current economic crisis and drunk driving. That is one evil institution. If you want to get back on track you must close out your accounts with Fifth Third and re-open them in banks that can actually do math and take DUIs seriously. Really, banks have one purpose, and that purpose is to manage your money effectively. HOW CAN A BANK HOPE TO DO THIS IF THEY CANNOT DO SIMPLE MATH??? Seriously. I put no faith in this bank and neither should you. Would you trust a serial killer? Cuz this bank is basically a murderer. 

I realize that Fifth Third may sue me now, but I'm not really worried because they are liable to put a decimal point in the wrong place and add a ridiculous amount of zeroes. They would be like, "MORE NUMBERS = MORE MONEY!!! LET'S ADD ZEROES!!!!!! WeEEEEeeeEEeEeeeEE!!!!!!!", and the result would be a law suit for .00000000000000016 million instead of 1.6 repeating million. Dumbasses. Also, they are probably really confused by the telephone, as calling a lawyer would involve typing in a combination of numbers, and Fifth Third bank, as we know, is no good with numbers. I can practically hear their distress. 



P.S. I just Googled "stupid bank names" and guess what the first hit is? An article from back in July of 2008 about supposed federal regulations to forbid stupid bank names and the last paragraph mentions that this would have affected Fifth Third! This article was written by Quinn Quimbley, but it's just as well that clearly no-one read it or listened to it, because Fifth Third is still in existence, and Quinn Quimbley is not a Greenberg, and therefore could not possibly be your Jesus, America. Thank God I'm here for you. 


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