Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Delusions of Grandeur

Dear World,

Something else you should know about me. I am very religious. In fact, I should probably be considered the world's leading expert on religion. "Why is this?", you might ask. You might say, "She doesn't seem very religious" or, "she's living in sin!" Both of those statements would be true. But it's not what's on the outside that counts. It's what's on the inside. And what's inside of me is blood (and guts and organs... you know). And this blood that I speak of has all of the powers of Judaism and Catholicism churning up a storm in my veins. I'm like a Kabbalist high on holy water. My mind is fluid and all-knowing. 

I love bagels and Jesus loves me. Why he chose to appear to Finn on a grilled cheese and not to me on a bagel is beyond me. 

Grilled Cheesus
How did this happen? My parents thought it would be a great idea to tell me that I'm Jewish, but still tell me the stories of the New Testament, and let me play with a Jesus doll in a manger that my mom set up every Christmas. They also taught me to eat chocolate each spring in celebration of the most significant ghost ever to walk the face of the earth. And so I do. Well, not so much any more, but I did. I got the best of both worlds. I also got a lot of confusion and guilt, oy vey, Jesus, Mary and Joseph... but we can leave that for another time. 

So, as the leading expert on religion, I feel like I have to break some bad news to you that may cause you to restructure your entire life. Here it is:

The Ten Commandments are GUIDELINES that have evolved with time, and there are exceptions. As with all things biblical we cannot take them literally. For example, would you make a human sacrifice? Cuz I hear they did those back then...

Random picture of me looking high in a Batman T
Case in point: Part of the 10th Commandment is, "Thou shalt not... covet thy neighbour's wife." Ummm.... my boyfriend would likely encourage me to covet my neighbour's wife. He would also quite possibly encourage me to commit adultery with my neighbour's wife, which flies directly in the face of the 7th Commandment. Holy double commandment fail, Batman!

Also, Scroobius Pip says thou shalt always kill, which, according to the 6th Commandment is a big no-no. How can you not trust Scroobius? I mean, look at this guy. He looks like a modern day Jesus.

Scroobius Pip
Here are some much more applicable commandments according to Scroobius Pip: 

Thou shalt not steal if there is a direct victim.
Thou shalt not worship false pop idols.
Thou shalt not stop liking a band just because they've become popular.
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-english speaking countries as to those that occur in english speaking countries. Thou shalt think for yourselves.
Thou shalt always... kill. 

I like to think he doesn't mean the last one literally. 

My friend took this picture and I stole it. It's the last thing to add to the list. Thou shalt :

Photo credit: Sean P. Stephens


**Disclaimer: I am not in any way questioning anybody's faith. I'm just having fun. Mostly at my own expense. I don't know the first thing about religion.




  1. In case anyone doubts your commitment to religion, you need to print yourself one of these:

  2. That picture of Pip looks like Asa with a beard

  3. Sean was bragging about you using his picture. I guess it's pretty good haha. I also like to think I am an expert on religion, but mainly because I was forced to go to Catholic school and did everything in my power to bring it down from the inside in high school.

  4. Interesting. I didn't know you are/were messianic.

  5. I am as messianic as I am Cindy Crawford.