Saturday, December 11, 2010

27 Years of ME

Dear Population,

Today I turned this many: 

For those of you who were not fortunate enough to be a part of these amazing 27 years, I thought I would fill you in. Here are 27 things that have happened to me in chronological order. Some awesome. Some not. Be prepared. 

0. My life began at a wedding. My parents are hippies that share too much information. I'll never recover. This is also why I refuse to be a hippie. 
1. Sometime between the ages of zero and one I learned how to talk. That's right. I am an genius. It was all the Mozart. 
2. I was joined by a small person that smelled like cabbage and stole my mommy. He also did his business on my favourite toy. Why is it that I love this person so?
3. I learned to read. That's right. Montessori bitches!
4. I went to kindergarten at a scary public school where some girl tried to convince me that 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' was a good idea. I wasn't convinced. 
See? Evil... Plotting.
5. Ah grade 1. This was (I believe) the year that I secretly made my own invitations to my birthday party and distributed them at school. My mom was pretty shocked when a bunch of kids showed up at our door with presents on a school night in November. This is when my parents discovered that they had created a monster. Thank you Montessori.
6. I had a crush on this kid in school who got 2% on milk day instead of chocolate milk. I tortured myself by getting 2% even though I really didn't like milk just because I wanted him to like me. Don't ask me what would have happened if he had returned the affection. We were 6. The reason I don't like milk? I had a dream that it was poisonous. I couldn't touch the stuff for a long time without being convinced I was going to die. Oh yeah. My second brother was born this year too. I guess that is more important than the milk anecdote. 
Milky FOOL

Chocolate COOL

7. My parents pulled me out of the public system and sent me to some strange school in the suburbs where the crayons were rectangular! I cried about those crayons. Seriously. It was tragic. How can there be any detail when your crayons are so FAT! (I actually did cry about this. No lie.)
8. Depressed about my first year with the fat crayons my parents tried to reunite me with some old public school friends. The attempt failed. I was too different. I ate stone soup and played with gnomes. They just didn't get me anymore. No more Lite Brite. No more Skip-it. No more Hot Loops. 
9. I was bullied. It was sad. BUT I met Rhoda this year! Yay! 
10. I learned to rollerblade this year and felt like I owned my neighbourhood, even though in reality I was a total dork with a helmet, knee and elbow pads. Also, this was the year I walked in on grownups having sex. It sincerely traumatized me. I had no idea what was going on, but I was genuinely scared. I can't imagine what I thought! I had a brief break from being bullied until... 
11. I was bullied again.
12. No more bullies. Had my first boyfriend. We were too shy to even hold hands. We were also basically too shy to talk to each other. Don't ask how he was my boyfriend, since he wasn't even my friend! Haha. This was also the year I met the woman that would become my wife. 
13. Asshole was the coolest thing in school. 
14. This year was ouchie. We don't need to recap it here. I did get another brother though. He's kind of cool I guess. A bit too cool for me now actually... damn teenager. 
15. I probably faked sick about 50% of this year. Stupid high school. How I hated it. But I did get to go to Europe for the first time. Also everyone in my town thought I was a teenaged mom. That was fun. Did I mention I hated this year? Oh yeah. I did. 
16. I returned to Europe and kissed 2 Swiss men! I also received the best love letter ever: Dear Shannon, I returned early. Broke my leg. Call me if you want to see me. (He broke his leg because we were up all night making out and he really shouldn't have gone snow boarding with no sleep. So really... I broke his leg. Haha. I'm really a very powerful woman). Ah yes, also had a totally cliché kiss in the rain.
17. Fell in love for the first time. It was glorious. Went to Brazil... good times.
18. Callllifornia! More good times.
19. Ah... it was the best of times it was the worst of times. Got my heart broken for the first time ever as a surprise. Recovered a little too quickly. Went to Peru!
20. I'm a big girl! Got engaged in Switzerland. Planned a wedding. Oops. 
21. Got married. Oops.
22. Did married stuff. Oops.
23. Went back to school!
24. Yay school. Went to Israel. Oh yeah. And got separated. 
25. More school! Oh yeah, and got separated AGAIN! I am special. 

Fiiiiiiiiine. If you insist. 
26. Stayed separated this time. Met someone wonderful. He's smarter than me because he's asleep right now. Graduated with my BA and launched right back in to an MA... I'm so friggen tired. Went to Japan, although that seems like a blur now even though it was just over a month ago.
27. I will do something epic. TBD. 

I invite you all to make suggestions for the epic thing I will do this year.


1 comment:

  1. Happy 27 years of you Shan! Seems like it's been pretty epic so far, so it can only get better! =D
    I suggest...egypt, bungee jumping and...more animals? Maybe a pixie cut?
    Here is me thinking of random life-changing things for you. =D