Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Destroyer

Hey World, What's up?

I'll tell you what's up. They're all out to get me. I don't know who, but I swear, someone or something is trying to have me killed. Granted, I am paranoid. I'm the person that thinks that everyone starts talking about me as soon as I leave the room. While these imagined conversations may be malicious, let's face it, they are inevitable. Why? Because I'm so awesome that there is literally nothing else to talk about once I've been and gone. What's it like living in my wake? Guess I'll never know. However, as awesome as my life is, there are apparently forces out there trying to take it from me. Here are the top four in no particular order:

1. The KKK. That's right people. Go big or go home. I was once wandering by the side of the highway somewhere in Nevada in the middle of the night when I stumbled across a flat plateau covered in rock formations. I sat there for a bit, and may or may not have eaten a sandwich (HIMYM fans, you'll get this)... suddenly everything began to feel wrong. The wind picked up, blowing dust around, hurting my eyes and sending a shiver down my spine. I stood up, and was overtaken by the certitude of my immanent death at the hands of the KKK. In my fear and confusion I started running for the car... only to discover I had no idea where we'd left the car. It was horrifying. To this day I don't know how I escaped their clutches. I'm sure they were there, and now they're just biding their time. Why take me out so easily in the middle of nowhere? I know they're planning something epic. 

2. Stupid people. They are definitely trying to kill me. 17 hour work day. That's all I'm going to say. 

3. My boyfriend. This man has the dexterity of a baby deer. Last night he got into bed and managed to karate chop my spine right at the base of my neck. It felt really good and not at all life threatening. Not at all. It's hard to watch your back in your sleep man. This may be the one that gets me. 

4. My iPhone. Yes. My precious iPhone. This was the last straw. Last night, after coming off of 3 hours of sleep and  a 17 hour workday I was finally heading home, but had an hour long drive ahead of me. So, I turned to my faithful iPhone (this one had better be faithful and not self-destruct like its predecessor that exploded on my couch last summer. I can still smell its electrical burning death stench if I try) to keep me awake on the journey. After giving up music snobdom a few years ago, I will admit that I put whatever I find catchy at the time on my iPhone. I have tons of crap on there. Stuff you'd never want to listen to unless you were busting your butt at the gym. So, I decided to put the entire contents of the iPod on shuffle thinking that it would surely hit upon these gems. What it decided to do instead was play only slow calm songs and classical pieces. When Moonlight Sonata transitioned into Clair de Lune I knew that I was done for. 

At this point, I think I need to enhance my defenses. I need to become a superhero. Is anyone with me? We have awesome uniforms. I made this promotional video for you all. So, without further ado:

If that didn't convince you, I don't know what will. Perhaps if I tell you that Cindy Crawford donated the fabric that made my cape? It was kind of her. She also donated the fan for the photo shoot. She's thoughtful like that. 




  1. It's all true. You've got to find a way to say what you want to say. Break out.

  2. You look snow tired in the last picture.