tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66997356534304345132024-02-03T01:44:26.451-05:00My Nefarious Nahar NaharsI will think of something witty to put here one dayChatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-64730678349832480572012-01-31T17:54:00.002-05:002012-01-31T19:38:18.827-05:00I don't speak Twitter, but I can if you'd like<div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I’m sitting here in a pair of jeans and a bra, one sock on, one sock off, because I was stripping down to do laundry (yes, it has been so long since I did laundry that I have worn today’s outfit more than once… okay, more than twice –IT HAD TO BE WASHED) and had all of these feeling sorry for myself thoughts rushing through my brain. I decided to blog about them. A nice, big, fat, self-indulgent bitchfest that no one will have fun reading (just kidding… it will be SO MUCH FUN). And before anyone says anything (because I’m sure you’ve already thought it), yes, links to this post would trend on Twitter as #firstworldproblems, #whitegirlproblems, and/or #bitchshutthefuckup. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9iSr05rjsY7ONiVCV-s1c04Vid15SMBZiR6DDaPEQq3_GMgy_rCf5jbvUy9_iBoXv6Ym_mmr0pezv3bzChslQ34SE3SYzCPgHUFzNf6KIChejCphfl7QICQ_d6PHvhwUyPqMWetw0Aa18/s1600/Screen+shot+2012-01-31+at+5.01.46+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="162" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9iSr05rjsY7ONiVCV-s1c04Vid15SMBZiR6DDaPEQq3_GMgy_rCf5jbvUy9_iBoXv6Ym_mmr0pezv3bzChslQ34SE3SYzCPgHUFzNf6KIChejCphfl7QICQ_d6PHvhwUyPqMWetw0Aa18/s320/Screen+shot+2012-01-31+at+5.01.46+PM.png" width="320" /></span></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To begin: My life is good… really, really good right now, so don’t think I’m really freaking out. I’m just seriously annoyed at my immune system. In the last three weeks I have had strep throat, the stomach flu, and now I have been visited by my dear old friend, the common cold. Leave it to that fucker to strip me of any decency I had left (oh, I haven’t mentioned that I slipped on black ice on Sunday and lay stunned on the pavement for what felt like minutes –though it was probably mere seconds- while praying that no one saw me because I apparently care more about looking stupid in front of people than, you know, being concussed). I had to drag my butt to Guelph to attend a class this morning that isn't even a class I'm taking. I rolled in there just on time, with no make-up, my scarf pulled up over my mouth to contain the little shards of plague that escape every time I cough, and a box of tissues clutched to my chest. I then sat dejectedly in a corner for an hour and a half trying not to disrupt people with my phlegm. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If the common cold had an eyeball, I’d stab it with a fork. As I’ve said before, <a href="http://stopcallingmeahippie.blogspot.com/2010/11/my-dirty-nickname.html">forks are dangerous</a> (see what I did there? Props to me for continuity. And props for giving myself props… that wasn’t uncool at all). I’m surprised the FAA hasn’t added them to their list of forbidden items. Seriously. I think people could do more damage with a fork than a butter knife, but maybe that’s just me. Maybe the rest of you are really handy with butter knives. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKEGNbBq2UIcO_q2dhTNO3YmuKsP0IgeYF99Lr1-8XoMPXENtTReSkcp9W6Fxrw3JWM8_l-6gsIgF5dR1foOy7Qt-HLWpdf7u1qYupnPbk9Q0Ck-LCDDQPqtbRT12OiiubhDTEm-qa398H/s1600/Fantasy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKEGNbBq2UIcO_q2dhTNO3YmuKsP0IgeYF99Lr1-8XoMPXENtTReSkcp9W6Fxrw3JWM8_l-6gsIgF5dR1foOy7Qt-HLWpdf7u1qYupnPbk9Q0Ck-LCDDQPqtbRT12OiiubhDTEm-qa398H/s320/Fantasy.jpg" width="266" /></a><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay. So, the reason the common cold is an issue for me this week: I am giving a guest lecture on Thursday, and I have to sound like I know what I’m talking about. This wouldn’t be such a problem if my lecture topic hadn’t been changed on me today (okay, I’m lying to make myself look better (as we’ve already established that I care more about the way I look than I do about things like, you know, honesty and common decency #youresovain). I actually misunderstood what I was supposed to be doing and it only just became clear to me this morning) and now I have to revamp the whole thing, am slightly less comfortable with the material, and my voice box has been temporarily replaced with a wheezy phlegm factory. Oh, and of course the runny nose thing. Maybe I’ll just go in there really unprepared in my most provocative outfit and hope for the best. #badteacher, #inappropriate. Awesome sauce. #clearly</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then again, maybe not. I totally forgot that I don’t have any cleavage. #smallboobs (WHOA… don’t search that trend. It yields scary results for virgin eyes comme les miens). </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Other problems this week: </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">1.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span lang="EN-CA">The inability to cash my insurance check from my totalled car due to the fact that Statefarm won’t take my step-mother’s name off the cheque, even though she has nothing to do with my car itself #brokensystem. I’ve wasted hours of my life dealing with this #nobodycares.</span><span lang="EN-CA"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzDQtfOykt8eyw3JgNZHkbGlmjLtJOVxku0thZxddADenhn27ODbnEDZxYQBqop4VsEakUNeImehX9jTKv8qTq_2NXo7Noboyz1jamTlEMXknOxx4kbQSgGixZZEqHJnASZVNNtfy2ihJc/s1600/Statefarm+Sucks.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzDQtfOykt8eyw3JgNZHkbGlmjLtJOVxku0thZxddADenhn27ODbnEDZxYQBqop4VsEakUNeImehX9jTKv8qTq_2NXo7Noboyz1jamTlEMXknOxx4kbQSgGixZZEqHJnASZVNNtfy2ihJc/s200/Statefarm+Sucks.jpeg" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">2.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span lang="EN-CA">My demented/satanic yet adorable pet parrotlet has given me the pleasure of escorting her to the vet’s three times this month (twice in one day, during a blizzard) just because she was sick of her <a href="http://stopcallingmeahippie.blogspot.com/2010/11/god-vs-darwin.html">old tutu</a> and wanted a new one… white is out, brown is in this season. Who doesn’t know that!? Apparently not me. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQUijUqbX4OLfmiXe8vNG14etF7YIVOsN9uDUGkTcA6vXuirHwFqrs2MY1PnuIDisEYwYKItVnF1rDdDV6qbMCwgAUy8l6ZnWoB-0vYuJYGpJrqq6aKOy5NSlMQNeT_TX7rlS3kWX3dWDL/s1600/IMG_4530.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQUijUqbX4OLfmiXe8vNG14etF7YIVOsN9uDUGkTcA6vXuirHwFqrs2MY1PnuIDisEYwYKItVnF1rDdDV6qbMCwgAUy8l6ZnWoB-0vYuJYGpJrqq6aKOy5NSlMQNeT_TX7rlS3kWX3dWDL/s200/IMG_4530.JPG" width="200" /></a></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">3.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span lang="EN-CA">I’m still sharing a double bed with another woman (WHO I LOVE –In a platonic manner… I say this to placate my boyfriend who probably won’t even read this anyway) and have nowhere to keep any of my clothes. It will be this way for the foreseeable future. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTiycKiDtxeRGQ3RSerzSdnodINVMaTCc9lmh83Do4yM08U2pXjc0Q-ReZi3_yHXvlJaGQxTpbhZonth1DyUpd3NVpNz4CEur6gSGCxnGX58IV_pw7h1cn6mqxvWsTSLPsTHy_kq2tgzCv/s1600/Screen+shot+2012-01-31+at+5.43.23+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="131" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTiycKiDtxeRGQ3RSerzSdnodINVMaTCc9lmh83Do4yM08U2pXjc0Q-ReZi3_yHXvlJaGQxTpbhZonth1DyUpd3NVpNz4CEur6gSGCxnGX58IV_pw7h1cn6mqxvWsTSLPsTHy_kq2tgzCv/s320/Screen+shot+2012-01-31+at+5.43.23+PM.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"> <span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let's Play Footsie My Dresser</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">4.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span lang="EN-CA">I just made the most amazingly light matzo balls for the most flavourful chicken soup I have ever made EVER and there is no one here to witness it. #JewishProblems YOUR TASTEBUDS HATE YOU. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiICdEpV1tAA8eDnRKJVmlmosKw8uc_WieLs9EZP5Zv6mRhYZHEa3ewKt64CmGeZ8Ky01sSjb8VKzPuhzOBw0-zOBGpOwlbl2Ajg1rxjrJzRjt5Y_vKI7Tw1PnbONan1U85X8NE0VGrwmmc/s1600/Tastebuds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiICdEpV1tAA8eDnRKJVmlmosKw8uc_WieLs9EZP5Zv6mRhYZHEa3ewKt64CmGeZ8Ky01sSjb8VKzPuhzOBw0-zOBGpOwlbl2Ajg1rxjrJzRjt5Y_vKI7Tw1PnbONan1U85X8NE0VGrwmmc/s320/Tastebuds.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">5.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span lang="EN-CA">What if my parrotlet lays more eggs and they hatch and the babies are actually dinosaurs? This photo is a fairly convincing argument in my quest to prove to you that I do, indeed, have a pet dinosaur. It also proves why dinosaurs went extinct. #WTF<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh7kLF7UbSUP8qf75BSGk4OhQonaL2IlCUMqonc4wwfHWO9ng131wtmRRIpdqc8toSgc7sqZIVZKhS_8y53k5lQZ4DSZg1YvKiRcxy1gLIiGdL6a5HjEW6wBFbhx34VdhZXrUDyVhzK39Q/s1600/IMG_4535.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh7kLF7UbSUP8qf75BSGk4OhQonaL2IlCUMqonc4wwfHWO9ng131wtmRRIpdqc8toSgc7sqZIVZKhS_8y53k5lQZ4DSZg1YvKiRcxy1gLIiGdL6a5HjEW6wBFbhx34VdhZXrUDyVhzK39Q/s320/IMG_4535.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">6.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span lang="EN-CA">Transformers are real. </span></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6RKKLYwhdCGOL0Eyfpxnom4PFhALMWima6KndPZVMz74FlEtnHhEodmsHq15x57G6rYkgONdBNNSPvtUeR5v-92fPu7iEEYa03rDH7XozUay2K97QGGbZlnlBkVGqPLu3EcRH5yrpgkb2/s1600/Screen+shot+2012-01-31+at+5.34.13+PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="158" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6RKKLYwhdCGOL0Eyfpxnom4PFhALMWima6KndPZVMz74FlEtnHhEodmsHq15x57G6rYkgONdBNNSPvtUeR5v-92fPu7iEEYa03rDH7XozUay2K97QGGbZlnlBkVGqPLu3EcRH5yrpgkb2/s320/Screen+shot+2012-01-31+at+5.34.13+PM.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I found these Transformers in Nagoya, Japan... They think they're being crafty,<br />
but I know better</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">My car is a Transformer. It's name is Alice. Why? Because it fuckin' told me so, and you don't mess with a Transformer. #truestory<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhnfbwS09QJaiiiYDWkiMTr-qMbiYvZqCqr4s4jnGP5vy1QxXwk1Xa8b9f3HygX96Nesck30euK86okOq5ks3YHWUFXCckUbj5Z-XWLla4u6xH143AP3jKNLAGUMzOq77wLGVFZmyaguka/s1600/IMG_4531.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhnfbwS09QJaiiiYDWkiMTr-qMbiYvZqCqr4s4jnGP5vy1QxXwk1Xa8b9f3HygX96Nesck30euK86okOq5ks3YHWUFXCckUbj5Z-XWLla4u6xH143AP3jKNLAGUMzOq77wLGVFZmyaguka/s320/IMG_4531.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Alice listens to Britney Spears</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-CA">7.<span style="font: normal normal normal 7pt/normal 'Times New Roman';"> </span></span><span lang="EN-CA">I just spent 2 hours on this post instead of actually preparing the lecture I was complaining about not being prepared to give. Shannon G, PhD in Procrastination, at your service. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><br />
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<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-left: 35.85pt; mso-add-space: auto; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay. I’m done with this post. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace #ImOut<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0cm;"><span lang="EN-CA"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">P.S. See, I could totally Tweet if I wanted to @shannonedana (I never use it… #justsayin)<a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=6699735653430434513&postID=6473067834983248057&from=pencil" name="_GoBack"></a><o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
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</div>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-84144567746846153092011-12-24T20:00:00.001-05:002011-12-24T20:01:41.081-05:00My Nefarious Nahar Nahars<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I set up my blog I couldn't come up with an original title. Neither Here Nor There was definitely a stop gap. Well, never fear... My Nefarious Nahar Nahars has arrived. What is a Nefarious Nahar Nahar?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nefarious: wicked or criminal</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nahar: to shine</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJwBCu5Azbpa41WDcy4We_VcYbsSaoQVciZS6gQo5W8Uyax06WcgrjaWmZq_IklJX3tw2r7EZk8TTW8snGOYsxnu1H06H8IUE8tTsq4E7xGl8r6y79Dbb-IdP1scq_w1X_L5JfY1xehWYI/s1600/devil_fish1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJwBCu5Azbpa41WDcy4We_VcYbsSaoQVciZS6gQo5W8Uyax06WcgrjaWmZq_IklJX3tw2r7EZk8TTW8snGOYsxnu1H06H8IUE8tTsq4E7xGl8r6y79Dbb-IdP1scq_w1X_L5JfY1xehWYI/s320/devil_fish1.JPG" width="250" /></span></a><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I could have also gone with the spelling 'nehar'. It would have looked better following nefarious, but the meaning of nehar isn't as wonderful. A Nehar is a fish. So a Nefarious Nehar Nehar would look something like the guy to the right of the page. Not an attractive mascot. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Instead, with the spelling Nahar, I can think of this blog as a collection of my wickedly brilliant musings. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nefarious = wicked = awesome</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nahar = shining = brilliance</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See how I got there? Whether you agree or not, my Nefarious Nahar Nahars are here to stay. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">C'mon. Say it aloud. You'll like the way it feels in your mouth. </span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsOboE8KLSHZs6wzl7uEnrbg3bsB2TetmCcoWdCj4-hh4GkLDSZyt-u6XcbLS8qQu0KZqQ-DsQYiIhsH2YZVmL0tgVHOKyvt0G6nKgzEw7nFXtNnJKwW03hny1LGHPoQY6kbJltTQs-aWL/s1600/Fish+in+mouth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsOboE8KLSHZs6wzl7uEnrbg3bsB2TetmCcoWdCj4-hh4GkLDSZyt-u6XcbLS8qQu0KZqQ-DsQYiIhsH2YZVmL0tgVHOKyvt0G6nKgzEw7nFXtNnJKwW03hny1LGHPoQY6kbJltTQs-aWL/s320/Fish+in+mouth.jpg" width="213" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Merry Chrismukkah, y'all!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace. </span>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-82727207677075623552011-12-16T03:15:00.005-05:002011-12-16T03:29:22.067-05:00The Bermuda Triangle ate my car. What an asshole.So I moved for the umpteenth time in the last two years. I packed up the Zoë car with a plethora of worthless possessions and moved her to the Bermuda Triangle, which is located here:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfprCuGQrYNACf2sldMPzp7Id2GX4GTechL5IWu0kFkFICmMiTouedPtTaOhdxCy7VWz8GsHVNP9cXgfzwvqxSrMkdKFYnuLEdTU0A9-mf7UpC1YZ-jllBLRdYZEXf8Max-Qw9k8XHMGl6/s1600/Screen+shot+2011-12-16+at+2.34.30+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfprCuGQrYNACf2sldMPzp7Id2GX4GTechL5IWu0kFkFICmMiTouedPtTaOhdxCy7VWz8GsHVNP9cXgfzwvqxSrMkdKFYnuLEdTU0A9-mf7UpC1YZ-jllBLRdYZEXf8Max-Qw9k8XHMGl6/s400/Screen+shot+2011-12-16+at+2.34.30+AM.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
You may think you are a better Geographer than me because since when is the Bermuda Triangle located in Southern Ontario? You may be saying to yourself, "Bitch be crazy." To you I say, "Please use proper grammar when thinking in response to my blog." I also say that I made this map myself, which I think I'm allowed to do, because I'm studying to be a Master Geographer, and if that's the case I can move things around on maps all I like. I'm the master. I'm the boss. You just haven't achieved my level of mastery. Calm down.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWGE2ZBStDHiWmHlPY5Bo9PUbosU2hyphenhyphenHfCF9n6vnMCSzcQIrUgTncBQjefhNSFfr6Jt7aFBQ8MExaZw8g0Ckk7afVPRX6gBQ5KtlKfUk6zznbCrpMR7WDc87FzMXEUOGFrlUOIbKN1idDH/s1600/milk+was+a+bad+choice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWGE2ZBStDHiWmHlPY5Bo9PUbosU2hyphenhyphenHfCF9n6vnMCSzcQIrUgTncBQjefhNSFfr6Jt7aFBQ8MExaZw8g0Ckk7afVPRX6gBQ5KtlKfUk6zznbCrpMR7WDc87FzMXEUOGFrlUOIbKN1idDH/s320/milk+was+a+bad+choice.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Anyways, much like Ron Burgundy, I make bad decisions. My friend that I am living with has the worst luck in the world. I won't go into details in order to protect her identity, but let's just say two of her cars have been eaten by the Bermuda Triangle. One was stolen and the new one was very shortly thereafter rammed. Well, the Triangle has struck again, and this time the victim was my dear sweet Zoë car. Look:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYFTNcnu770LS3uTtg-U39DDF6PNNdkobKcI1vQ3ny73X5pxlMXAfZkZr04M0WWwlCV5-t-F9K6LHIXETroVEHMr3y5OVymPG8NUUNg91a1NYnBUYN0gRQBzCDeyzkHTM-Ppn4Ub9CeFGw/s1600/IMG_4073.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYFTNcnu770LS3uTtg-U39DDF6PNNdkobKcI1vQ3ny73X5pxlMXAfZkZr04M0WWwlCV5-t-F9K6LHIXETroVEHMr3y5OVymPG8NUUNg91a1NYnBUYN0gRQBzCDeyzkHTM-Ppn4Ub9CeFGw/s320/IMG_4073.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>Perhaps it serves me right for attaching great meaning to an inanimate object, but this car is the first major purchase I ever made. I don't have a house, I don't even have my own rental property... I'm living on my friend's couch, so this car really does mean a lot to me. Le sigh. Still waiting to hear if it's a write off or not and I don't know what's worse. They might try to put me in a 2012 Accent... and those things are just mean. I have evidence:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr3xXRNkVvC1GHbWDqa74t3tgGl1qbNDOF4wCotXxdI0_nWtQkHixm2UC1OF6vlShdPB6VBA0Ije4v2v0it0pO3a4KcBcF2yWq9duF4UZlbW7EkZu7VqdFIktb00N-wRomYMb4GXO0a7AH/s1600/2012+accent.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="160" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr3xXRNkVvC1GHbWDqa74t3tgGl1qbNDOF4wCotXxdI0_nWtQkHixm2UC1OF6vlShdPB6VBA0Ije4v2v0it0pO3a4KcBcF2yWq9duF4UZlbW7EkZu7VqdFIktb00N-wRomYMb4GXO0a7AH/s320/2012+accent.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>So much aggression for one tiny car. Also, they're 6-speeds now... I don't want a 6 speed. The gears are so short it's annoying.<br />
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No. I want my 2010. They make much better friends:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFtdyJmxEDfvWUk9JuREdyS8TydOvY4qrTDka5D2rFZ4Jt1FeLlRDbahXIjDEqbiwjqhEXt24815PVM3SAFA6HYIbFxxepWQYeaWe9q5kMoirRAzVljhrcS5SqcyZQchFQWv3pCac-MaiJ/s1600/Happy+Accent.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFtdyJmxEDfvWUk9JuREdyS8TydOvY4qrTDka5D2rFZ4Jt1FeLlRDbahXIjDEqbiwjqhEXt24815PVM3SAFA6HYIbFxxepWQYeaWe9q5kMoirRAzVljhrcS5SqcyZQchFQWv3pCac-MaiJ/s1600/Happy+Accent.jpg" /></a></div>Sigh. Keep your fingers crossed for the Zoë car.<br />
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On the bright side, I had a super awesome day of shirking all responsibility while dealing with various annoying entities. After a sleepless night I arrived at Enterprise at the crack of dawn (7:30am) to pick up my rental, only to be told that my license had expired. Whoops. Well, never fear, I was told. A lovely young man named Bryan will drive you around all morning fixing your life. I thought that was a sweet deal. When we arrived at the MTO it was pretty much chaos because their computers were broken and apparently MTO employees can't count. Anyways, it dawned on me as I sat there with a bunch of really angry people that I was going to have my pic taken for my new driver's license. After a sleepless night and an "Oh crap, they're here to pick me up and I'm not dressed or showered yet" moment, this was not a happy thought. I mean, I have to look like that for five years. I created a dramatic re-enactment of what my photo will look like for you:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4ce0Tzj9Dmj4pQXx-ECUGjj1FemhZ8Alyz6b8IAU8Ksym_18IJMjrFLE-cJTyfitgWm7NX1hF_96O6zBXPFqp5uyJ7qNA4ByoL3HL6DslyNC6wP2H2UxxHaNaJy7AYXLzPUYUZqL6LHXa/s1600/Screen+shot+2011-12-16+at+3.06.58+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4ce0Tzj9Dmj4pQXx-ECUGjj1FemhZ8Alyz6b8IAU8Ksym_18IJMjrFLE-cJTyfitgWm7NX1hF_96O6zBXPFqp5uyJ7qNA4ByoL3HL6DslyNC6wP2H2UxxHaNaJy7AYXLzPUYUZqL6LHXa/s320/Screen+shot+2011-12-16+at+3.06.58+AM.png" width="230" /></a></div><br />
Yeah. So not pretty... but that's what happens when I haven't had time to prepare. Don't people know that girls need at least 24 hours notice for driver's license renewals? I mean, I didn't even have time to push my tits up to my neck, put on my make up and spend a minimum of 5 hours practicing my Liv Tyler/Duck face in the mirror. Here is what I would have looked like with advanced warning:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSTBvQy4C_qRqz3S3tKUlyoUJH20W7xxed-NC_sgfaxgt1XIWfxd5vOH4l13zI3nUJwGD6RHcLP5TM49HjR1OxDWGno-wCKruUszJ2BwjpXjUri95BnqnozG35kdNQf2789hxxNS3kJaTt/s1600/Screen+shot+2011-12-16+at+3.10.49+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiSTBvQy4C_qRqz3S3tKUlyoUJH20W7xxed-NC_sgfaxgt1XIWfxd5vOH4l13zI3nUJwGD6RHcLP5TM49HjR1OxDWGno-wCKruUszJ2BwjpXjUri95BnqnozG35kdNQf2789hxxNS3kJaTt/s320/Screen+shot+2011-12-16+at+3.10.49+AM.png" width="222" /></a></div><br />
I mean seriously. How do you get out of speeding tickets by looking like you want to tell the cop to fuck off? It's all about the socks in the bra.<br />
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Just kidding. I just wanted to talk about boobs again. It draws traffic and this post is pure crap so I have to pull all the stops.<br />
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</div>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-41292734541921194742011-10-29T00:02:00.006-04:002011-10-29T00:45:10.783-04:00Distracted by shiny things<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am distracted by shiny things. Namely my Macbook and my iPhone. This realization fills me with self-loathing because even though I claim not to be a hippie, my tattoo kind of gives me away. I'd hug this planet if I could. It's darn beautiful in so many ways. It made this in my backyard:</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2bAHj3dpO3j0SOPMdUxSPrzKwUfDBKe3U7gCCLy1FrrMhpucm6E5FOxUqcv9jhxU516U3ZPFByj7v_LyRR6SRUBtGGVk9a3MD6uXfgQbjRuQ3f-BUnBStI4MgDC-Q-AQzppu-EbB1n5jW/s1600/IMG_3244.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2bAHj3dpO3j0SOPMdUxSPrzKwUfDBKe3U7gCCLy1FrrMhpucm6E5FOxUqcv9jhxU516U3ZPFByj7v_LyRR6SRUBtGGVk9a3MD6uXfgQbjRuQ3f-BUnBStI4MgDC-Q-AQzppu-EbB1n5jW/s400/IMG_3244.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm having a hard time reconciling the tree-hugging and technophilic tendencies in me. The biggest problem is that the tree-hugger is a pacifist and the technophile wields the biggest, bestest and most beautiful chainsaw. Okay. Not really. </span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2mS8KhH1c66C381a-Mw90Oi6FIUnVu1itItGRpnQ7NxWdcsjVcsMrBwRAwZCtVEQ1b1tqU2h3xmqGJ9W2xgxiCf-2wJxJFb67-wmNPoBatonYO7m9Fr7Moi5tKr2JCoE1ANlyGjGOKCBO/s1600/IMG_3586.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2mS8KhH1c66C381a-Mw90Oi6FIUnVu1itItGRpnQ7NxWdcsjVcsMrBwRAwZCtVEQ1b1tqU2h3xmqGJ9W2xgxiCf-2wJxJFb67-wmNPoBatonYO7m9Fr7Moi5tKr2JCoE1ANlyGjGOKCBO/s320/IMG_3586.PNG" width="213" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyways, iOS5 is so super cool. The new drop-down menu tells me the local weather AND delivers my very important emails about maternity bras. </span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-9-mVRWokFK7msAzpQOS3WCGKPT0qOMmFIJntUw71cGwHT-6ljwV7t9JngcnttVO3hh4WRDeho2WLkFU3TTL6eU6hgv7W8fuGD_3u5K58jqpvurwbvfELHls9u4h9SQhzbVSaXK6aSCsS/s1600/IMG_3588.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-9-mVRWokFK7msAzpQOS3WCGKPT0qOMmFIJntUw71cGwHT-6ljwV7t9JngcnttVO3hh4WRDeho2WLkFU3TTL6eU6hgv7W8fuGD_3u5K58jqpvurwbvfELHls9u4h9SQhzbVSaXK6aSCsS/s320/IMG_3588.PNG" width="213" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The stacking feature for notifications from apps lets me know how much of a bitch I am being by ignoring my friends at any given time. Blogging is my life people. I don't have time for any real kind of human interaction. You want to meet face to face? Who the hell does that anymore? </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I finally replied because I didn't want to be an asshole. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I pretty much only interact with the world through my iPhone. Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, SMS, Email... my iPhone is where it's at. I just wish I had the new iPhone 4S. Then I'd really never have to see anyone ever again. I'd have a new best friend in <a href="http://shitthatsirisays.tumblr.com/">Siri</a>. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The new reminders feature helped me plan out my über productive weekend:</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjnikbm1ErgPC2SyvU8Wtpkn_yD3l01UeMJzLpIwddgtWtSyH25xicC5zXnjCuaJzCQSqBUfTqkep8TGgFukY5PrSXqCM0lyuJeIisXs-I_D_6bOTKAWcpO1A-xy6LCe6S08TDgWqzb0d3/s1600/Screen+shot+2011-10-29+at+12.22.14+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjnikbm1ErgPC2SyvU8Wtpkn_yD3l01UeMJzLpIwddgtWtSyH25xicC5zXnjCuaJzCQSqBUfTqkep8TGgFukY5PrSXqCM0lyuJeIisXs-I_D_6bOTKAWcpO1A-xy6LCe6S08TDgWqzb0d3/s400/Screen+shot+2011-10-29+at+12.22.14+AM.png" width="400" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I have now effectively wasted an entire 12 hours doing nothing. I need to go work. Russel Crow is watching me and he's making me nervous. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaHzlzPxVAI9-8FCO85opQGZ5dMgvx0oeiZ42f6_EarA7c2aZjhJaVUlW5ORohr7AiYTPi_-SFHf5qm4NTCoPgvsH5XuMb0dTBDEavEHfhjcqXwySOZKxaVE0Xy58jEz8AymY9_RlH0Z4z/s1600/IMG_3590.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaHzlzPxVAI9-8FCO85opQGZ5dMgvx0oeiZ42f6_EarA7c2aZjhJaVUlW5ORohr7AiYTPi_-SFHf5qm4NTCoPgvsH5XuMb0dTBDEavEHfhjcqXwySOZKxaVE0Xy58jEz8AymY9_RlH0Z4z/s320/IMG_3590.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He's watching you too and he's very judgemental. He Tweets a lot. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See ya when I see ya.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace. </span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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</span>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-19285955675302091692011-10-11T03:14:00.007-04:002011-10-12T19:36:43.164-04:00This post has done copious amounts of cocaine<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh heeyyyyyyy. Remember me? </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's been a while.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In fact, it's been so long that</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> I'm pretty sure this post has got to be epic.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://s1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa428/shandinsky/?action=view&current=cooltext573761537.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" src="http://i1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa428/shandinsky/cooltext573761537.gif" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That's right. I've been playing with gif generators. If that's not epic, I don't know what is. Check out this gem:</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://s1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa428/shandinsky/?action=view&current=310691.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="240" src="http://i1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa428/shandinsky/310691.gif" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You may be wondering why on earth I'd make a gif out of my boobs. I have a very good reason (other than the two very good reasons already exhibited). If you do a Google image search of the word 'epic' every 5th image is very similar to this one: </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8b44IWkcxPg0UkgktRrWzRjo6EgItkXF8tBW6_HnsuBB6ijIV8zSAhUjO3yqzxrXB1zvSoCjdZQNMSnEkZB78LVko0WhyphenhyphenExWBnhfEKmiOvfGTno_6CXUusFvwYj52Q8lp5y5efLCS0G1J/s1600/Screen+shot+2011-10-11+at+2.17.44+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8b44IWkcxPg0UkgktRrWzRjo6EgItkXF8tBW6_HnsuBB6ijIV8zSAhUjO3yqzxrXB1zvSoCjdZQNMSnEkZB78LVko0WhyphenhyphenExWBnhfEKmiOvfGTno_6CXUusFvwYj52Q8lp5y5efLCS0G1J/s400/Screen+shot+2011-10-11+at+2.17.44+AM.png" width="333" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now boys, if you read the image creator's caption and are feeling tempted to follow suit feel free to do so and I won't pass judgement. I'd say I won't even know, but let's face it, if you've read the rest of this blog and understand the holy powers I possess, you know I will know... but I will not judge. I love all God's creatures (Monday through Friday. All bets are off on the weekend). </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But I also realize that despite my blessing you may not be in a position to follow suit. Maybe you are having breakfast with your wife as you read this on your iPad/iPod/iPhone/MacBook* (cereal and blog!); perhaps you are on the bus; </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">perhaps you are giving a presentation of the contents of my blog at the office and now every man in the room is uncomfortable... Doesn't matter why, but I have the antidote: </span><br />
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</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">RUBBER FACE!</span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://s1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa428/shandinsky/?action=view&current=310663.gif" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Rubber face" border="0" height="150" src="http://i1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa428/shandinsky/310663.gif" width="200" /></a><a href="http://s1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa428/shandinsky/?action=view&current=310707.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="150" src="http://i1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa428/shandinsky/310707.gif" width="200" /></a></div><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bet there's no fapping now...</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So what have y'all been up to since I last blogged in March? I have been quite the busy bee. I travelled to many countries, visited many people, took many lovers... Okay. The last part isn't true, but I thought it would make me sound cooler for a second. That second has passed. I did in fact travel, but some of that was for work. Mostly I have been staring at my data and wondering (through a veil of tears more often than not) how on earth I am ever going to turn it into a convincing Master's Thesis so that I can GET ON WITH MY LIFE!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To deal with my stress, and to prevent multiple holes from being punched in my wall, I took up boxing/muay thai. I am having a hard time reconciling my love for boxing with my love of dinosaurs. Look at the poor T-Rex:</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZNCvH0B4cGFj8wMbTtHex_JkoolfRhrI2OXDDjttDqmE_ToA8asOvJkOkpw-ADQyCACPyE-Wb0pgoTNr34UWQSs85Kv8UAQ6LvUYU2M4AcadlkyQL5O-sA_ru_vA6yjfskUbNBAk3ltGR/s1600/Photo+on+2011-10-11+at+02.36.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZNCvH0B4cGFj8wMbTtHex_JkoolfRhrI2OXDDjttDqmE_ToA8asOvJkOkpw-ADQyCACPyE-Wb0pgoTNr34UWQSs85Kv8UAQ6LvUYU2M4AcadlkyQL5O-sA_ru_vA6yjfskUbNBAk3ltGR/s320/Photo+on+2011-10-11+at+02.36.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Wook at da widdy biddy dino-arms :(</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And then look at me:</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihopdw9DaEZKFJ89BdiFXGyUopWwMnS8pdKzJtQjjl5y1drxCARBEap_UKjWFCpZZG7GVydjzQ8IOXFnMPYdCD6iGIKlgUXeAEhUTSeuaNsKmb7P2_guIvpwkYSW8rhJfkEUPSW5UP31FY/s1600/Photo+on+2011-10-11+at+02.51+%25232.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihopdw9DaEZKFJ89BdiFXGyUopWwMnS8pdKzJtQjjl5y1drxCARBEap_UKjWFCpZZG7GVydjzQ8IOXFnMPYdCD6iGIKlgUXeAEhUTSeuaNsKmb7P2_guIvpwkYSW8rhJfkEUPSW5UP31FY/s320/Photo+on+2011-10-11+at+02.51+%25232.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">boXing 4EvR</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">T-Rexes clearly don't work out as much as I do.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt9w5ksLWSeUm9J7fWPK-4vrbn2QQONcOiX5AChGe24K8bleebeM48Is-HoYWll66fvSMMAsLIdPbTcu6qSk8lHsvE-Z88zh-oqK19FTzi4qpM1ufYv6BMAGPb8j7xzTL99oJVGROmZUG2/s1600/Photo+on+2011-10-11+at+02.41.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt9w5ksLWSeUm9J7fWPK-4vrbn2QQONcOiX5AChGe24K8bleebeM48Is-HoYWll66fvSMMAsLIdPbTcu6qSk8lHsvE-Z88zh-oqK19FTzi4qpM1ufYv6BMAGPb8j7xzTL99oJVGROmZUG2/s320/Photo+on+2011-10-11+at+02.41.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Shanosaurus vs. T-Rex: Exhibit A</span></td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://s1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa428/shandinsky/?action=view&current=310795.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" target="_blank"><img alt="Photobucket" border="0" height="240" src="http://i1197.photobucket.com/albums/aa428/shandinsky/310795.gif" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Shanosaurus vs. T-Rex: Exhibit B</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You should realize by this point that not only am I the world's leading expert on religion, I'm also the world's leading expert on dinosaur boxing. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl7adO5vwL5bIGayxs03FLEKJkrfhtexzYhRVfve2BDA4hVoTgmHPtmoPzxO8ylXa8hOx-OebNSObToLBQBGTPNOAqsHDEJ17kabrAgjsMUoECM6h_0f5pNX_gIB0wf9_y7yxED9386EfD/s1600/Photo+on+2011-10-11+at+02.51+%25234.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl7adO5vwL5bIGayxs03FLEKJkrfhtexzYhRVfve2BDA4hVoTgmHPtmoPzxO8ylXa8hOx-OebNSObToLBQBGTPNOAqsHDEJ17kabrAgjsMUoECM6h_0f5pNX_gIB0wf9_y7yxED9386EfD/s320/Photo+on+2011-10-11+at+02.51+%25234.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Why don't people take me more seriously!?</span></td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace</span><br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">*Any other tablet/smartphone/computing device is not endorsed by this blog</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Note: Don't write on your face with eyeliner. It doesn't come off as easily as you would expect</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">**This post could not have been brought to you without the generous support of tonight's sponsors: coffee and insomnia**</span></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div></div>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-23987116060509438932011-03-02T16:54:00.001-05:002011-03-02T16:55:09.979-05:00What`s up MarchÉ<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My computer keyboard keeps resetting itself to French for some reason... that title was supposed to say, "What's up March?", but I liked the weird accent grave apostrophe and the accented E. It made me feel all cool and internationally mysterious. By the way, </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">please read 'accent grave' in a French accent... I'm not talking about grave (read: serious) accents here. Besides what would a serious accent be? I found the most awesomely useful internet tool to help me answer this age old question. It's a tool that allows you to do type to text in different accents. Here are some of the ones I found most serious:</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwaeKtaVDQP3WEItjt5iRjE2kheAByvRJ9jRcuzg6idPWzjBrcETRmipsCSkbyjpB-_fT0SqXORjNwJqtNLkw' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dxRi4EvDNWqZrOnUuXNHylVMBLUy9CnqpwbMJlTU1XBHFS94FsdmC-tAqtpanSSY2B3wcJ4A0xAnvllVTiUxg' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe><br />
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</div><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dxaN19q3plt1QXmVMcyV4XcDwfIn2oXeeNe3giaOsZnKiPsDa_rwpDrs8Q0ZLRE_I-HN7r2ieV9PlY9wx8Gtg' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe><br />
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</div><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dzhdu4rdKXgHCos8hQ9zntXRMTASskiSbsbo4uKh_l0sZbyMc5JFKuuPNtBGfzyR0hFwbz9NurGSh4MIu-4iw' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Which one do you find most awesome? Please, do share. I like taking awesome factor polls. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, why have I not been blogging? Because I've been super bogged down with work and the stress is really getting to me. Even my vacation didn't help. While it was nice to relax in a warm climate, it also made me feel hypocritical for participating in mass tourism, and reminded me daily that I gained 20 pounds last year. Damn you bikini. This is the one beach picture I enjoy of myself and feel okay enough about to post on the internet: </span></div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUZFDDnA70FS4kujGwOOtKPrBZNuiWxOyHymsHpIIDWVSYKfaxO5S12R4UJkwjflcnJvEJg9CN8TDRwBaxWiEM2iOojmVEr3WW3kLDRBApq5P9kwyYZlYq4FUAP9fpeQU7jkDnxQzAICR6/s1600/Picture+6.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUZFDDnA70FS4kujGwOOtKPrBZNuiWxOyHymsHpIIDWVSYKfaxO5S12R4UJkwjflcnJvEJg9CN8TDRwBaxWiEM2iOojmVEr3WW3kLDRBApq5P9kwyYZlYq4FUAP9fpeQU7jkDnxQzAICR6/s1600/Picture+6.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Tattoo art by Heath Ledgeberg</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I should probably stop being down on myself... or I should start another blog where I can whine about things, because really, this blog was meant to be light and ridiculous. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, I'm grumpy because I decided to stop eating junk, and as a result I'm hungry all the friggen time. While fruits and veggies are yummy snacks, I'm always left feeling hungry. Any tips? And yes, I am eating lots of protein in my meals. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">GAH! This is too serious. I should try channelling frustration into work rather than complaining on here. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I promise to have more entertaining posts in April. March is crunch time. Back to it!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace,</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">S</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">P.S. All work and no play is no fun... </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwC93AqKCFA2EmxJxPAzJSbdwuj4keHBDAkHF0vg0GyvrKOeK3JcmDqlUqEy_TUfqxhDKPTOQJOIVNF4GRcVg' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-87978806384473668232011-02-25T22:17:00.000-05:002011-02-25T22:17:31.195-05:00Guess what?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I didn't die!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm just really busy.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm sure you were all very worried.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have nothing to say right now.</span>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-26580421004828420612011-01-13T00:40:00.000-05:002011-01-13T00:40:20.321-05:00About the author<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So I was just reading about a book (I will not tell you what book because I'm embarrassed), and the little blurb about the author read, "Ms. <u> </u> is the author of the bestselling books <u> </u> and <u> </u>. She lives in England." That is the saddest short little bio I've ever seen. Who else is she? Much more than that I'm sure. The following is what my little blurb would say if someone other than me was awesome enough to publish anything I write (and let's face it, that is unlikely. There is just too much awesome here for anyone to handle): </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqCaVdS8MVg_AUOV-sxrN86Blmj2bgLVZHViAxdKxoCbpG_snV91hGX-8ogtOXJ1Gy8GqFgq9yt1Qyz_Wm-bJqYsIaBiDfge8dLr2983C8oGxgDbS28G8nuvjo7f8l_W-bV_NXG8PWFK4A/s1600/Picture+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="132" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqCaVdS8MVg_AUOV-sxrN86Blmj2bgLVZHViAxdKxoCbpG_snV91hGX-8ogtOXJ1Gy8GqFgq9yt1Qyz_Wm-bJqYsIaBiDfge8dLr2983C8oGxgDbS28G8nuvjo7f8l_W-bV_NXG8PWFK4A/s200/Picture+4.png" width="200" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ms. Awesome is the author of the legendary blog </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Neither Here Nor There</b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, not to be confused with other inferior blogs entitled </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>Neither Here Nor There</b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">, of which there are many. You'll know which is the correct one when you see it. It's the one with all the awesome and is endorsed by Cindy Crawford. </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ms. Awesome hails from the land of ice and snow (Canada) but has spent short stints living in California and Switzerland. In California she was a house cleaning illegal immigrant whose claim to fame was possibly having seen Britney Spears' hand reaching out of a limousine window. In Switzerland she was a student. Her research from this time has proven that chocolate is, in fact, a food group. Her claim to fame in that life was having gained 20 pounds in four short months. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In her spare time, between her very serious and important job of blogging, Ms. Awesome is an aspiring geographer and musician. She is most famously known as a geographer for her work on conserving nature for the sake of the rich middle class. Her most famous song to date is a little ditty entitled <b>Weird Mosquito</b>, inspired by her boyfriend. She currently lives in Toronto with her pets, Raisin the evil cat; Hawkslee the mentally challenged dinosaur; and Brian the fully grown boy. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ms. Awesome realizes that many readers may find this little biography ridiculous. Well, you know what readers? SO'S YOUR FACE!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Booyah!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bonus Material:</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you've made it to the end of this post, you get to see the bonus material! This should make you feel special and good. So, without further adieu, I present your prize: </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dy_YNkO_hRmGl_aSRdfBvCplB5YHhfHgdwSDVxw6oOxFpExIxYypsmZ-BvJ-fRH-mGvX2jl0Y5fqvlhHHcLfQ' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-1518280980994725672011-01-06T13:02:00.004-05:002011-01-06T13:07:45.921-05:00Dios, ayudame<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Warning: This is not a fun post. It's pretty self-indulgent, since I really have nothing to say and am just felling bad about life in general this week for no reason at all. Ok, it's not really for no reason at all. It's because of my brain (is my brain mySELF, or just part of it?). I'm feeling very frustrated about school, money, being disorganized and having zero will-power. </span><br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I decided not to make any new years resolutions, and then about five seconds into the new year started talking to myself about how I'm going to be all healthy this year, and how I'm going to be organized for once, not waste time on the internet etc. Um... in retrospect, those sound like resolutions. Dammit. And I'm already failing at them. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Exhibit A: Will-power AND organization fail combo</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXNUo5AIsgFrvzmQpHo2OYe40f5QLeWkTZfXbh1Gta4VJBVmT-YcffMDc_EJbWV5daNhr70m12N5Fwg8T47SEC2pqZqt0ZAlistn_KoW856rpZGvRM_GHYpx7XW_2s7rQogUMvl2ib8eXJ/s1600/Photo+970+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXNUo5AIsgFrvzmQpHo2OYe40f5QLeWkTZfXbh1Gta4VJBVmT-YcffMDc_EJbWV5daNhr70m12N5Fwg8T47SEC2pqZqt0ZAlistn_KoW856rpZGvRM_GHYpx7XW_2s7rQogUMvl2ib8eXJ/s400/Photo+970+copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I went grocery shopping yesterday. Not a difficult task, right? I have been doing a pretty good job of shopping only the outer aisles of the store (you know, where all the fresh non-processed stuff is), but yesterday I had to get some baking things, so I ventured into a middle aisle. Unfortunately, I made a wrong turn and ended up in the cookie aisle. If you know me well, you know that cookies are my downfall. Give me cookies over cake any day. So first this nice "healthy" box of coconut lime cookies started calling to me. Next thing I knew it was in my cart. I mean, it really wanted me more than I wanted it, and who am I to say no to a needy box of cookies? And then I found the Jewish cookies. These cookies are basically my childhood in a box. I had been looking for them FOREVER! So how could I not buy them? </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What I didn't need to do was eat half the box in one extraordinary "I'm feeling sorry for myself" sitting. And why was I feeling sorry for myself? Due to organization failure. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCRpbxYqK51lioeigJC-CTtXEHBF6WveeTUPky6nB3MjCJLZDHOQ0EGv-R0WlFYP7t81-fu9DjAH-4AiQxjnufsJwT37j-zhkrnFsJO4kP3DCgjGzp3rC3udX9GYJcdVaD5_E5na_X7vTx/s1600/IMG_1119.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCRpbxYqK51lioeigJC-CTtXEHBF6WveeTUPky6nB3MjCJLZDHOQ0EGv-R0WlFYP7t81-fu9DjAH-4AiQxjnufsJwT37j-zhkrnFsJO4kP3DCgjGzp3rC3udX9GYJcdVaD5_E5na_X7vTx/s400/IMG_1119.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I returned home from the epic shopping trip to the grocery store and the butcher's. I had about 8lbs of meat, 4 litres of milk, and 3 litres of Perrier. These on top of about $100 other dollars worth of other less heavy, but still significant in quantity, groceries. I managed to carry all of these groceries from my car to the entrance of the building. My assigned parking spot happens to be the furthest away from any entrance. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, I get in the door, one grocery bag at a time (there were about 8 of them). On the other side of that door is a hallway. At the end of that hallway is another door that lets you into the main part of the building where the elevators (and my abode!) live. You need a key to get through this door. This is the point where I realize that I don't have my building key. Or my apartment key. Instead of putting them back on my keychain after entering the parking garage, I threw them on the passenger's seat. So, I decide to leave the groceries and go back to my car. Except I need the building key to get back into the parking garage... Um... *insert colourful language here*. I'm stuck in a hallway between two locked doors with half my weight in groceries. Solution? Eat half a box of Jewish cookies. Add two coconut lime for good measure. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For those of you who are worried that I am blogging from that hallway a day later, never fear. I was rescued after half an hour by a kind woman named Stephanie. Who turns out to be my neighbour across the hall. Yay! I have a nice neighbour! That makes up for the one that won't make eye contact. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here is a money management fail:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUyq2D-x6Dr0WZKjMuCVWhErxe9VCciW5nPJlhV7x7E-XykF9gPqQNf_KIUPvgasTVqm0VfQjw8H7bsomtaQ1AhU-8CZ1hcLYve5O0VDfPEadHe9N55MOgtsqAN-fqtaZ_J6pWWiFG1jbR/s1600/Picture+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="15" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUyq2D-x6Dr0WZKjMuCVWhErxe9VCciW5nPJlhV7x7E-XykF9gPqQNf_KIUPvgasTVqm0VfQjw8H7bsomtaQ1AhU-8CZ1hcLYve5O0VDfPEadHe9N55MOgtsqAN-fqtaZ_J6pWWiFG1jbR/s400/Picture+2.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Yeah. People who don't have money and are unemployed for the month of December (aka. OHMYFUCKITSCHRISTMAS month, where did all my money go?) should not spend that much money on lingerie, or anything for that matter. And how cliché am I buying myself lingerie when I'm feeling down about stuff? Ugh. And now I'm feeling self-loathing... which means I'm prone to spontaneous lingerie shopping. It's a vicious cycle, people. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Aaaaaaaand school fail:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have no freaking CLUE what my thesis is going to be yet. I didn't do as well on my kajilion page context paper as I'd hoped, and instead of reading for background info, as I promised myself I'd be doing this morning (and every other morning this week), I have been doing this:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHFQrFEDu9N2z5ySEJqRKb-aIiEUs29Dmpu2E4cbK3CvkndWgx5_NmiB49Vb50yPhW2L5EMKeqBYkm4Ll74KvUMdOJjUwEwwPxrJmW9nwT4va2TrC_G0RA-uSIEsiBswk3tV6oSQFVKvyI/s1600/Picture+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHFQrFEDu9N2z5ySEJqRKb-aIiEUs29Dmpu2E4cbK3CvkndWgx5_NmiB49Vb50yPhW2L5EMKeqBYkm4Ll74KvUMdOJjUwEwwPxrJmW9nwT4va2TrC_G0RA-uSIEsiBswk3tV6oSQFVKvyI/s400/Picture+1.png" width="400" /></a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">God damn Robot Unicorn Attack. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also, my brain hasn't been able to focus on anything academic this week, but it has been hard at work producing the following gems: </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. I wrote a song. The only lyrics to this song are "Weird mosquito."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. I coined the term "Pigathor", or, as we say in English, "Thunder pig."</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. I had the following conversation with my boyfriend-</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> S: B, d</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">id you know there's a fucking cat in here?</span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">B: What!? Of course I know there is a cat in here. We have a cat.</span></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> S: Oh... I was pretending like we didn't have a cat.</span></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> B: Yeah. We have a cat. We have a parrot too.</span></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> S: No we don't! How many times do I have to tell you she's a dinosaur? </span></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> I have a pet dinosaur.</span></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> B: She's a dinosaur? </span></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"> S: Yeah.</span></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;"><br />
</span> </span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Dios, ayudame. </span></span></div><div style="font: normal normal normal 12px/normal Helvetica; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">S</span></div>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-91802661217429493642010-12-28T02:34:00.001-05:002010-12-28T10:48:38.200-05:00Google Ads rocks my socks<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thanks to my last post, which can be found by clicking <b><a href="http://stopcallingmeahippie.blogspot.com/2010/12/how-fifth-third-bank-made-me-realize.html">ICI</a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">, this is the new target advertising from Google that I found upon signing into Gmail just now:</span></b></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
</span></b></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZGYrnRm8gkakf9IVm3LVd1xczhkFRIr-BbQobrhLUEqatKEBRE4rHKgIC3h0GCTUFMdMbcuMztriJllDs6Va3k4vzdAzTpIq5ImnmkYvLothzmRtFZFCLfKJdYrBJS2tX1FctbtUegcBN/s1600/Picture+18.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZGYrnRm8gkakf9IVm3LVd1xczhkFRIr-BbQobrhLUEqatKEBRE4rHKgIC3h0GCTUFMdMbcuMztriJllDs6Va3k4vzdAzTpIq5ImnmkYvLothzmRtFZFCLfKJdYrBJS2tX1FctbtUegcBN/s400/Picture+18.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">I love Google.</span></b></span>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-75819595734921500222010-12-27T17:13:00.010-05:002010-12-28T16:39:00.124-05:00How Fifth Third Bank made me realize that I am America's Personal Jesus<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear America (and your son, the Fifth Third Bank),</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have been within your borders for just over a week now, and I'll be gone in just a few days. Our time together has been short, but it has definitely been sweet. However, I am deeply alarmed about the current economic crisis, and I can't really see this supposed upswing that people are talking about. And I know why. You can blame it on the Fifth Third Bank. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_sIe7GbrB0_YLoKZ9PtHYWrlm3C8oynfN68-Q_DW4UMrdv0M3zXoEA-L4R50MGhmRdR8-sp2ACWj-zCX2Eb4wGKnPwQMoYh6AReDxuhrsjbiFxoYQL8z1qEvsOr4wqE9RDVIxhgoU7IFg/s1600/IMG_2128.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_sIe7GbrB0_YLoKZ9PtHYWrlm3C8oynfN68-Q_DW4UMrdv0M3zXoEA-L4R50MGhmRdR8-sp2ACWj-zCX2Eb4wGKnPwQMoYh6AReDxuhrsjbiFxoYQL8z1qEvsOr4wqE9RDVIxhgoU7IFg/s320/IMG_2128.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WTF America. WTF.</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe if your financial institutions could do math you wouldn't be in such dire straits. I wrote this equation for you to help you out:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR-vsCbSxuUSxcZ3y9xe3cHJGdfwXZZIipq7X8oYJX17nuj76yQAU7eRFbc3-StZtvpxv_Jmbo_11nCbEHiuhd5ACS2RLkH5Xi1ycIBaQeZRb3N-BhHCVRXf7gu6yBeL-DDrTE6CEQHHdL/s1600/Picture+12.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="103" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhR-vsCbSxuUSxcZ3y9xe3cHJGdfwXZZIipq7X8oYJX17nuj76yQAU7eRFbc3-StZtvpxv_Jmbo_11nCbEHiuhd5ACS2RLkH5Xi1ycIBaQeZRb3N-BhHCVRXf7gu6yBeL-DDrTE6CEQHHdL/s400/Picture+12.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is a really special equation because its solution also equals me dancing maniacally while screaming "Here comes Johnny singing oldies, goldies, Be bop a lua baby what I say!!!!" But that is neither here nor there... we need to get down to business. The business of saving your butt. I am going to teach Fifth Third Bank how to do math.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Firstly, Fifth Third, your logo does not symbolize "fifth third". Numerically, 5/3 means five thirds... which is really kind of dumb, because that is the equivalent of 1 and 2/3, or 1.6 repeating. No one would ever really say five thirds. So, I have conveniently renamed your establishment the "One Point Six Repeating Bank." You're welcome. Also, if you insist on keeping your stupid nonsensical name, you need to redesign your logo to actually represent Fifth Third, which would be some variation of "5th 3rd". Again, you are so welcome. I am saving your ass. I am like the Jesus of your ass. I need to stop talking now. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But seriously, I could be your Jesus, and here is why: </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWbF4qjhNcAqO3M942uhxBDoOQoBst0tPIzaugv1cYx-F4EJt0rs90-BHBvnkAlFHEI0NcB5O9_YehCXVK7T0oin19tTPvXFS4sllugRMA4wnHd0yZcPVaV2M00fsbmV2W6Q04fEDCTgLJ/s1600/Picture+7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWbF4qjhNcAqO3M942uhxBDoOQoBst0tPIzaugv1cYx-F4EJt0rs90-BHBvnkAlFHEI0NcB5O9_YehCXVK7T0oin19tTPvXFS4sllugRMA4wnHd0yZcPVaV2M00fsbmV2W6Q04fEDCTgLJ/s400/Picture+7.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Holy crap. We all know that Urban Dictionary is the 2nd most reliable source on the whole wide internet, after Wikipedia. And speaking of Wikipedia, it is from Wikipedia that I have learned that the Fifth Third Bank was named thusly because it was created as the result of a merger between the Third National Bank and the Fifth National Bank. Since this came about during the time of prohibitionist ideals, naming the bank "Third Fifth" was considered inappropriate because it could be misconstrued as a reference to three fifths of alcohol. Um... what!? </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have another equation for you:</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjISLr_xJnuVq1dEs-0e7KTVFX_GhZqE6gBsxO01Q2oReXhkW1G0atuBiPxxWBfD4Uve_ywBF9I82OpgZSewP15CbIlzUXqdn_P0X2ycZBSg2o36YeT7-nCcQfwNesienJCzIQJm7EPSj-I/s1600/Picture+16.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="271" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjISLr_xJnuVq1dEs-0e7KTVFX_GhZqE6gBsxO01Q2oReXhkW1G0atuBiPxxWBfD4Uve_ywBF9I82OpgZSewP15CbIlzUXqdn_P0X2ycZBSg2o36YeT7-nCcQfwNesienJCzIQJm7EPSj-I/s400/Picture+16.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just sayin'.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Actually, if you really think about it, 5/3 is more moonshine than 3/5. I have a new drinking game to play when I visit America! My friends and I will each drive around with a large bottle of moonshine in the passenger's seat of our respective cars. We will set out at random, not knowing where the other is headed and will drive for 10 miles. For each Fifth Third that we pass we are obliged to do 1 and 2/3 shots of moonshine. Whoever is the drunkest upon our return wins! The usual rules of driving also apply (you know, like 5 points for striking down middle-aged folks, 2 for morbidly obese people (easier targets) and 20 points for taking out cyclists, etc.), so tally up those points too. The drunker you get, the better you are at the normal rules of the road. Fun for the whole family!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I need to wrap this up because I am ruining my own cause by talking too much about nothing, but you can clearly see that I am not responsible for this drunk driving. Fifth Third and Wikipedia basically forced me to play this game at gunpoint. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, to sum up, dear America, Fifth Third Bank is responsible for the current economic crisis and drunk driving. That is one evil institution. If you want to get back on track you must close out your accounts with Fifth Third and re-open them in banks that can actually do math and take DUIs seriously. Really, banks have one purpose, and that purpose is to manage your money effectively. HOW CAN A BANK HOPE TO DO THIS IF THEY CANNOT DO SIMPLE MATH??? Seriously. I put no faith in this bank and neither should you. Would you trust a serial killer? Cuz this bank is basically a murderer. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWQfTL6BWCM1V8rR9nvbVL4TV3EBF4wJaIc5k3dSlQrYWgf15a123h7Mz6t11Jcyuc8Pum4DldQsFCoF-LoU3inl9wEdyAs4xGbH9yUrmUQfE6Ne1lQ2BTLuKJAH4taJoydwHVT0-uomfK/s1600/Picture+15.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWQfTL6BWCM1V8rR9nvbVL4TV3EBF4wJaIc5k3dSlQrYWgf15a123h7Mz6t11Jcyuc8Pum4DldQsFCoF-LoU3inl9wEdyAs4xGbH9yUrmUQfE6Ne1lQ2BTLuKJAH4taJoydwHVT0-uomfK/s200/Picture+15.png" width="194" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I realize that Fifth Third may sue me now, but I'm not really worried because they are liable to put a decimal point in the wrong place and add a ridiculous amount of zeroes. They would be like, "MORE NUMBERS = MORE MONEY!!! LET'S ADD ZEROES!!!!!! WeEEEEeeeEEeEeeeEE!!!!!!!", and the result would be a law suit for .00000000000000016 million instead of 1.6 repeating million. Dumbasses. Also, they are probably really confused by the telephone, as calling a lawyer would involve typing in a combination of numbers, and Fifth Third bank, as we know, is no good with numbers. I can practically hear their distress. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace, </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">S</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">P.S. I just Googled "stupid bank names" and guess what the first hit is? An <a href="http://www.benkepple.com/archives/001454.html">article</a> from back in July of 2008 about supposed federal regulations to forbid stupid bank names and the last paragraph mentions that this would have affected Fifth Third! This article was written by Quinn Quimbley, but it's just as well that clearly no-one read it or listened to it, because Fifth Third is still in existence, and Quinn Quimbley is not a Greenberg, and therefore could not possibly be your Jesus, America. Thank God I'm here for you. </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ_9kBjw5MbJFBs9HmlAFfuXuIsVpLc6CjGAdytximZne8FQxRyAPZfNY3TU-ZXRO5141qhvTBJnpNHUvzIvp-0ZNUVhtGruE2zCAH3OJ3IChUi8l0CwFSA_TYTAp-zNqM4RG9QWgwQ-Vf/s1600/IMG_2130.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ_9kBjw5MbJFBs9HmlAFfuXuIsVpLc6CjGAdytximZne8FQxRyAPZfNY3TU-ZXRO5141qhvTBJnpNHUvzIvp-0ZNUVhtGruE2zCAH3OJ3IChUi8l0CwFSA_TYTAp-zNqM4RG9QWgwQ-Vf/s400/IMG_2130.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">5/3</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div></div>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-38660511575496275622010-12-27T01:42:00.005-05:002010-12-27T02:19:45.080-05:00Vicious Rumours<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear World,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The internet is a powerful weapon that has been turned against me. While the internet has brought us wonderful things like "Charlie Bit my Finger" and that ridiculously cutesy kitten getting tickled, it has also provided an enhanced avenue for gossip. Essentially, it's made gossip into scuttlebutt on crack... however, it has also given me a reason to use the word scuttlebutt in context. Then again, it has also caused me to feel somewhat alarmed that not only do I know the word 'scuttlebutt', I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. Wow. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, point being, a rumour has been spread about me on the internet. Here is the picture that has sparked the controversy: </span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTY1Dtf35HvKSLy5g5iAf2iIyq_7sLmFZrKbYYQ-rDNHin_SR00Lp6QKI1T1Xavjt8f7SZQ92yHrO41E-tQHZR7kGpEEsjiHyYX87w12jpunLTzL16-Mqy1H9zn0MOtCfVG1i8EvsM_RfK/s1600/IMG_2118.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTY1Dtf35HvKSLy5g5iAf2iIyq_7sLmFZrKbYYQ-rDNHin_SR00Lp6QKI1T1Xavjt8f7SZQ92yHrO41E-tQHZR7kGpEEsjiHyYX87w12jpunLTzL16-Mqy1H9zn0MOtCfVG1i8EvsM_RfK/s320/IMG_2118.JPG" width="185" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Sexy Bitch</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I happen to enjoy this picture because most pictures of me actually come out looking like this:</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbobt1wpGRTVpMqrN-mfBZCD_wUz86kTqnjgN4NwtapikqD1z_e64qg0TBo8760K66HnGqlGKh7P05soB0K_ZfRqkQwO_znOy1WfYqvx27kUu_YTPrypgj-tFd2oL_3oqfyd2EOZA0Lsfk/s1600/IMG_3263-1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbobt1wpGRTVpMqrN-mfBZCD_wUz86kTqnjgN4NwtapikqD1z_e64qg0TBo8760K66HnGqlGKh7P05soB0K_ZfRqkQwO_znOy1WfYqvx27kUu_YTPrypgj-tFd2oL_3oqfyd2EOZA0Lsfk/s320/IMG_3263-1.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Kimono Shopping in Japan</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Now, there is really nothing particularly wrong with this photo, I just look like a total dork. And I am a total dork in real life, so hey, this is a more realistic representation of myself. I'm sure y'all can understand that when a nice photo comes along I have to take it and run. My eyes are only slightly squinty in the first photo, and my huge gigantic Julia Roberts smile is somewhat tamed by the fact that I took the picture of myself (total loser, I know) and didn't have anything real to smile about at the time (I was taking a break from my job as resident lizard catcher (that part is no lie)). </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, what I need to make clear is that I HAVE NOT HAD BREAST ENHANCEMENT SURGERY!</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The truth about my boobs is that they are tricky. I have already briefly mentioned my war with Victoria's Secret. They have made it their mission to try to stuff my breasts into A cups for some reason, no matter how many times I have told them they don't know how to use a measuring tape. I have had two jobs where I had to fit bras, and I can guarantee you, it's not that hard. The last time one of their girls tried to tell me I was a 34 A I made her bring me a bra in that size so that I could demonstrate to her how wrong she was. I put on the bra, she took one look at the overflow of flesh (I seriously looked like I had 6 boobs. 2 in the cups, 2 on the inside, and 2 just beside my armpits. That is either a serious nightmare, or every man's dream. EXCESS BOOBS!), shrugged, and told me that's what I measure so she can't help me. Amazing customer service. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Look at these images and tell me which one makes you think of breasts:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvNr4HbA1M75i_Mu2ZeavRDHIxasceXANKrfEWAVR-ZSRNVf0EdBxg0AXCkDS756X_Fu97grq7K22-mpKrsdcaPrdX8SVdCdruWth2fXUuq12x3XOpCvxh4KWIIE1HPf0SxTNhR8Iu183Z/s1600/Picture+3.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvNr4HbA1M75i_Mu2ZeavRDHIxasceXANKrfEWAVR-ZSRNVf0EdBxg0AXCkDS756X_Fu97grq7K22-mpKrsdcaPrdX8SVdCdruWth2fXUuq12x3XOpCvxh4KWIIE1HPf0SxTNhR8Iu183Z/s200/Picture+3.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Picnic</span><br />
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</tbody></table><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOjkOs0npbNVPvssTyJ_EpnXsDxQy54sj7sXcuNwiofcRJ-8VgOAx_AFpRfjBnFym6ds0qQkSsSdoNgSHvSnwd6oJRjtF7bmYIN2Z3BlXUkHg64nndFx2E8DqEW5sVcA42cQ_QymBbw9_z/s1600/Picture+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="169" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOjkOs0npbNVPvssTyJ_EpnXsDxQy54sj7sXcuNwiofcRJ-8VgOAx_AFpRfjBnFym6ds0qQkSsSdoNgSHvSnwd6oJRjtF7bmYIN2Z3BlXUkHg64nndFx2E8DqEW5sVcA42cQ_QymBbw9_z/s200/Picture+4.png" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Conveniently Boob-shaped Mountains</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOjkOs0npbNVPvssTyJ_EpnXsDxQy54sj7sXcuNwiofcRJ-8VgOAx_AFpRfjBnFym6ds0qQkSsSdoNgSHvSnwd6oJRjtF7bmYIN2Z3BlXUkHg64nndFx2E8DqEW5sVcA42cQ_QymBbw9_z/s1600/Picture+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br />
</a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOjkOs0npbNVPvssTyJ_EpnXsDxQy54sj7sXcuNwiofcRJ-8VgOAx_AFpRfjBnFym6ds0qQkSsSdoNgSHvSnwd6oJRjtF7bmYIN2Z3BlXUkHg64nndFx2E8DqEW5sVcA42cQ_QymBbw9_z/s1600/Picture+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br />
</a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOjkOs0npbNVPvssTyJ_EpnXsDxQy54sj7sXcuNwiofcRJ-8VgOAx_AFpRfjBnFym6ds0qQkSsSdoNgSHvSnwd6oJRjtF7bmYIN2Z3BlXUkHg64nndFx2E8DqEW5sVcA42cQ_QymBbw9_z/s1600/Picture+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><br />
</a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, you may be interested to know that Victoria's Secret has been fooled by the power of the picnic. That's right people. I have what those in the know call "Picnic Breasts." Here is how the lovely salesgirl at <a href="http://trystlingerie.com/">Tryst Lingerie</a> described my lady bits, "Most breasts are like mountain tops. You get up there, admire the view and then ski on down. With a picnic breast you get up there and realize how inviting it is, so you spread out the blanket, pull out some food and stay awhile." That's right people. Lunch is served daily inside my bra, so eat up. That sounded way more suggestive than I intended. It's really not sexy to put food inside your bra, nor are you invited to attend any luncheons therein should I choose to host them. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The end. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">S</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">P.S. I bet you will think about my boobs when eating lunch tomorrow. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">P.P.S. Jesus probably still loves me, despite it all. </span></div>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-84135718351587489722010-12-16T10:15:00.003-05:002010-12-27T20:43:14.742-05:00Sexy Food Poisoning<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Greetings World,</span><br />
<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This post is coming to you from my bed. Day 4 of lying flat on my back, day 2 of vacation. Sure feels good to be done for the semester. Or, it would feel good if I didn't feel like DEATH! I'm exaggerating. Today I feel much better, considering that yesterday I pretty much was delirious with fever all day. I made the mistake this morning of looking in the mirror. It wasn't pretty. Red, white and black are the colours of my face. You choose where to place them. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No. Having a cold is not sexy. Not like the time I had food poisoning and lost about half my body mass. That was awesome. I fit into my skinny jeans for weeks after that. Who cares if I almost died of dehydration? I looked hot. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZHTowv0b9CKuwJavau40B9pWthuMFt5i0_w533h_UggINNCxvuoHqKiI3iQLVJzr0MVG-rpzs5g611iNKWg6rVKnJ46DTFjCjhx8Rh-oV6jj0oVjIdNC5BmvhAGDQsXuKG798bmsJttuZ/s1600/Picture+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZHTowv0b9CKuwJavau40B9pWthuMFt5i0_w533h_UggINNCxvuoHqKiI3iQLVJzr0MVG-rpzs5g611iNKWg6rVKnJ46DTFjCjhx8Rh-oV6jj0oVjIdNC5BmvhAGDQsXuKG798bmsJttuZ/s320/Picture+4.png" width="320" /></a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This image doesn't really apply... but it made me laugh when I saw it. I googled "sexy food poisoning" for fun, and this was one of the hits. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The best part of being sick this time was that I had to write an essay and an exam for a prof that I'm pretty sure hates me. I already have an inferiority complex, and this man actually called me into his office to say, "I don't know if you're used to being top of the class, but I've been going over your grades since the beginning of the semester... and you're not." He also said a lot more than that and I of course immediately went home and cried. I resolved to work harder (even though I wasn't really sure how that was possible), but no matter how hard you try, it is pretty hard to be coherent when you have a fever. I'm kind of afraid. Although, it can't be worse than my grade 11 bio exam where we had to label the parts of the heart. This is how I labeled it:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFyYB3C6T7thG5dY-iXLXx7v_NRWs1R9AWAWmZOlrbhUOEfv34QWlJUAOQL9rsWahbbAP2b4VtKY0F_id6pKuPlyiI8OnNuIYQW6Iry8krJLqzjmjUczwZ2XwYO4IOb-g6YpahHStheqt9/s1600/Grade+11+Bio+Heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFyYB3C6T7thG5dY-iXLXx7v_NRWs1R9AWAWmZOlrbhUOEfv34QWlJUAOQL9rsWahbbAP2b4VtKY0F_id6pKuPlyiI8OnNuIYQW6Iry8krJLqzjmjUczwZ2XwYO4IOb-g6YpahHStheqt9/s400/Grade+11+Bio+Heart.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Can you see the specialness that my brain produced? I wonder where my 17 year old mind was at... If you haven't spotted the gross error yet, here was the page as it looked when I received my test back:</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYOHuH99n6_JojdasToCk4M-6qMk2Hguhkte2xBlsayYZTNY6PsB1ajQSTqdXE5Wv3AXIA2tarhTEQMc4VKvG3N2FFLT8OHDVa8E8vhe5_fRqJOdoQ7srHk8U-7Venx-nXGWykByiEhXd2/s1600/Grade+11+Bio+Heart+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYOHuH99n6_JojdasToCk4M-6qMk2Hguhkte2xBlsayYZTNY6PsB1ajQSTqdXE5Wv3AXIA2tarhTEQMc4VKvG3N2FFLT8OHDVa8E8vhe5_fRqJOdoQ7srHk8U-7Venx-nXGWykByiEhXd2/s400/Grade+11+Bio+Heart+copy.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Um... yeah. My poor teacher. Actually, he probably had a really good laugh. Thank God if there ever comes a day I can use the title "Dr." it won't be standing for M.D.. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And speaking of doctors... I'm going on the first trip of my vacation. To the doctor's. I doubt she can cure my brain, but maybe she can do something for this ailing body of mine.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace,</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">S</span></div>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-28362695640338730832010-12-11T00:00:00.100-05:002010-12-11T02:45:36.143-05:0027 Years of ME<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear Population,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Today I turned this many: </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For those of you who were not fortunate enough to be a part of these amazing 27 years, I thought I would fill you in. Here are 27 things that have happened to me in chronological order. Some awesome. Some not. Be prepared. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">0. My life began at a wedding. My parents are hippies that share too much information. I'll never recover. This is also why I refuse to be a hippie. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Sometime between the ages of zero and one I learned how to talk. That's right. I am an genius. It was all the Mozart. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. I was joined by a small person that smelled like cabbage and stole my mommy. He also did his business on my favourite toy. Why is it that I love this person so?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. I learned to read. That's right. Montessori bitches!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. I went to kindergarten at a scary public school where some girl tried to convince me that 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' was a good idea. I wasn't convinced. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMV2l9UcoP50IZ1t_dEu0yE8OJ-eM0VAcSF2-ihyphenhyphenKnbmGV1ohIsT_bMva_7uPsMpAIHlpElSj-5lDPF4clQNsumRHLSbnxMJC51VCfeM_KqiK_TaDHWHhzAFwWgbS3fwunb_Zi6-x1oCEM/s1600/X-Men.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMV2l9UcoP50IZ1t_dEu0yE8OJ-eM0VAcSF2-ihyphenhyphenKnbmGV1ohIsT_bMva_7uPsMpAIHlpElSj-5lDPF4clQNsumRHLSbnxMJC51VCfeM_KqiK_TaDHWHhzAFwWgbS3fwunb_Zi6-x1oCEM/s320/X-Men.jpg" width="272" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">See? Evil... Plotting.</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. Ah grade 1. This was (I believe) the year that I secretly made my own invitations to my birthday party and distributed them at school. My mom was pretty shocked when a bunch of kids showed up at our door with presents on a school night in November. This is when my parents discovered that they had created a monster. Thank you Montessori.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6. I had a crush on this kid in school who got 2% on milk day instead of chocolate milk. I tortured myself by getting 2% even though I really didn't like milk just because I wanted him to like me. Don't ask me what would have happened if he had returned the affection. We were 6. The reason I don't like milk? I had a dream that it was poisonous. I couldn't touch the stuff for a long time without being convinced I was going to die. Oh yeah. My second brother was born this year too. I guess that is more important than the milk anecdote. </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8FuXiu_Sa42-ZKUIxP-iLMcskMPCd-Co6JwS_uaGtKLAaLIPhJ1qwlyuuEOvqKt-wcL2IpAIoSyqpPyZXah0pMamL-jUCmvZvidr5Es1_-JOKrvVBe4vGs8L7a0a0r-IjnjC6mnYnX6mz/s1600/Picture+7.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8FuXiu_Sa42-ZKUIxP-iLMcskMPCd-Co6JwS_uaGtKLAaLIPhJ1qwlyuuEOvqKt-wcL2IpAIoSyqpPyZXah0pMamL-jUCmvZvidr5Es1_-JOKrvVBe4vGs8L7a0a0r-IjnjC6mnYnX6mz/s200/Picture+7.png" width="140" /></a></td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAtrFPei_aA-28wEJGuxhoN7GltNfYsDC1UeTDjKOzn_a0XTmyaeSt2BMnIjMOXhQM-D6HWqUdL2Zg1LqR4DaAGb_8Yn3wg9ys75WFkBHqSHyFBiXaR3Y4TBScbin5E-aqwqz5OSx4t9ng/s1600/Picture+8.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAtrFPei_aA-28wEJGuxhoN7GltNfYsDC1UeTDjKOzn_a0XTmyaeSt2BMnIjMOXhQM-D6HWqUdL2Zg1LqR4DaAGb_8Yn3wg9ys75WFkBHqSHyFBiXaR3Y4TBScbin5E-aqwqz5OSx4t9ng/s1600/Picture+8.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;"><b><u>Chocolate COOL</u></b></span></span></td></tr>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1Yvii3lLEBv3ymTsBZLkqAQPDZfkMuuZkqqqslpLpjYkHM3t7GD_kcZSdBIcNcLNZlheNZcU2eW_Diyw8W5zh3mwDCMqitvKCrJq9qEHnakQehMP1ZU3CC-6EfUd4hUNOvje1wUFvromY/s1600/Picture+6.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1Yvii3lLEBv3ymTsBZLkqAQPDZfkMuuZkqqqslpLpjYkHM3t7GD_kcZSdBIcNcLNZlheNZcU2eW_Diyw8W5zh3mwDCMqitvKCrJq9qEHnakQehMP1ZU3CC-6EfUd4hUNOvje1wUFvromY/s320/Picture+6.png" width="196" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7. My parents pulled me out of the public system and sent me to some strange school in the suburbs where the crayons were rectangular! I cried about those crayons. Seriously. It was tragic. How can there be any detail when your crayons are so FAT! (I actually did cry about this. No lie.)</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">8. Depressed about my first year with the fat crayons my parents tried to reunite me with some old public school friends. The attempt failed. I was too different. I ate stone soup and played with gnomes. They just didn't get me anymore. No more Lite Brite. No more Skip-it. No more Hot Loops. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">9. I was bullied. It was sad. BUT I met Rhoda this year! Yay! </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">10. I learned to rollerblade this year and felt like I owned my neighbourhood, even though in reality I was a total dork with a helmet, knee and elbow pads. Also, this was the year I walked in on grownups having sex. It sincerely traumatized me. I had no idea what was going on, but I was genuinely scared. I can't imagine what I thought! I had a brief break from being bullied until... </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">11. I was bullied again.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">12. No more bullies. Had my first boyfriend. We were too shy to even hold hands. We were also basically too shy to talk to each other. Don't ask how he was my boyfriend, since he wasn't even my friend! Haha. This was also the year I met the woman that would become my wife. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">13. Asshole was the coolest thing in school. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">14. This year was ouchie. We don't need to recap it here. I did get another brother though. He's kind of cool I guess. A bit too cool for me now actually... damn teenager. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">15. I probably faked sick about 50% of this year. Stupid high school. How I hated it. But I did get to go to Europe for the first time. Also everyone in my town thought I was a teenaged mom. That was fun. Did I mention I hated this year? Oh yeah. I did. </span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4OamgkWNXEQ9TV_jcFmrvGwFC1BW8VpzYdTi64ilfVsSazSOgxs5zmMmibibrusVeRX8ojwnqxRt59iLy1OuBbtJYJJSdtYQFttzrE1dNmpo2qgwLh4YKARzdO-PuiQ3FKWPOtq9l_Qga/s1600/Picture+9.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4OamgkWNXEQ9TV_jcFmrvGwFC1BW8VpzYdTi64ilfVsSazSOgxs5zmMmibibrusVeRX8ojwnqxRt59iLy1OuBbtJYJJSdtYQFttzrE1dNmpo2qgwLh4YKARzdO-PuiQ3FKWPOtq9l_Qga/s1600/Picture+9.png" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">16. I returned to Europe and kissed 2 Swiss men! I also received the best love letter ever: Dear Shannon, I returned early. Broke my leg. Call me if you want to see me. (He broke his leg because we were up all night making out and he really shouldn't have gone snow boarding with no sleep. So really... I broke his leg. Haha. I'm really a very powerful woman). Ah yes, also had a totally cliché kiss in the rain.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">17. Fell in love for the first time. It was glorious. Went to Brazil... good times.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">18. Callllifornia! More good times.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">19. Ah... it was the best of times it was the worst of times. Got my heart broken for the first time ever as a surprise. Recovered a little too quickly. Went to Peru!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">20. I'm a big girl! Got engaged in Switzerland. Planned a wedding. Oops. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">22. Did married stuff. Oops.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">23. Went back to school!</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">24. Yay school. Went to Israel. Oh yeah. And got separated. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">25. More school! Oh yeah, and got separated AGAIN! I am special. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Fiiiiiiiiine. If you insist. </span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">26. Stayed separated this time. Met someone wonderful. He's smarter than me because he's asleep right now. Graduated with my BA and launched right back in to an MA... I'm so friggen tired. Went to Japan, although that seems like a blur now even though it was just over a month ago.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">27. I will do something epic. TBD. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I invite you all to make suggestions for the epic thing I will do this year.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace,</span><br />
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</span>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-32307245581189105262010-12-08T22:32:00.001-05:002010-12-09T00:34:45.907-05:00The Destroyer<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hey World, What's up?</span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZbjSosPJU_g-7l6cW68nOfjSnAQhc3amWarlJrBsvg23imtMlJwsFz_E-MYt-B6rbh71Y9-qkji3sdv__8vx-er0IN68adv_R9kObshBbw4dekmjKhwbDc0z3wvv433CzwvT3_kx7thgK/s1600/Picture+4.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="264" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZbjSosPJU_g-7l6cW68nOfjSnAQhc3amWarlJrBsvg23imtMlJwsFz_E-MYt-B6rbh71Y9-qkji3sdv__8vx-er0IN68adv_R9kObshBbw4dekmjKhwbDc0z3wvv433CzwvT3_kx7thgK/s320/Picture+4.png" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'll tell you what's up. They're all out to get me. I don't know who, but I swear, someone or something is trying to have me killed. Granted, I am paranoid. I'm the person that thinks that everyone starts talking about me as soon as I leave the room. While these imagined conversations may be malicious, let's face it, they are inevitable. Why? Because I'm so awesome that there is literally nothing else to talk about once I've been and gone. What's it like living in my wake? Guess I'll never know. However, as awesome as my life is, there are apparently forces out there trying to take it from me. Here are the top four in no particular order:</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. The KKK. That's right people. Go big or go home. I was once wandering by the side of the highway somewhere in Nevada in the middle of the night when I stumbled across a flat plateau covered in rock formations. I sat there for a bit, and may or may not have eaten a sandwich (HIMYM fans, you'll get this)... suddenly everything began to feel wrong. The wind picked up, blowing dust around, hurting my eyes and sending a shiver down my spine. I stood up, and was overtaken by the certitude of my immanent death at the hands of the KKK. In my fear and confusion I started running for the car... only to discover I had no idea where we'd left the car. It was horrifying. To this day I don't know how I escaped their clutches. I'm sure they were there, and now they're just biding their time. Why take me out so easily in the middle of nowhere? I know they're planning something epic. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Stupid people. They are definitely trying to kill me. 17 hour work day. That's all I'm going to say. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. My boyfriend. This man has the dexterity of a baby deer. Last night he got into bed and managed to karate chop my spine right at the base of my neck. It felt really good and not at all life threatening. Not at all. It's hard to watch your back in your sleep man. This may be the one that gets me. </span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhepoYt9b_jW85mkyVSzmvRqsk_pT9iMLaJKaAmIIFRmdJv4vYOU5GayQkBj7MqbHCfwMwAAkv9i7cO9FKKMv6cnLXArOeiPGdTkQ6N3wt_XLhg0su-4gtRfCodVFW1tPTzdiXpSB0l8PoU/s1600/Picture+3.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhepoYt9b_jW85mkyVSzmvRqsk_pT9iMLaJKaAmIIFRmdJv4vYOU5GayQkBj7MqbHCfwMwAAkv9i7cO9FKKMv6cnLXArOeiPGdTkQ6N3wt_XLhg0su-4gtRfCodVFW1tPTzdiXpSB0l8PoU/s1600/Picture+3.png" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. My iPhone. Yes. My precious iPhone. This was the last straw. Last night, after coming off of 3 hours of sleep and a 17 hour workday I was finally heading home, but had an hour long drive ahead of me. So, I turned to my faithful iPhone (this one had better be faithful and not self-destruct like its predecessor that exploded on my couch last summer. I can still smell its electrical burning death stench if I try) to keep me awake on the journey. After giving up music snobdom a few years ago, I will admit that I put whatever I find catchy at the time on my iPhone. I have tons of crap on there. Stuff you'd never want to listen to unless you were busting your butt at the gym. So, I decided to put the entire contents of the iPod on shuffle thinking that it would surely hit upon these gems. What it decided to do instead was play only slow calm songs and classical pieces. When Moonlight Sonata transitioned into Clair de Lune I knew that I was done for. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At this point, I think I need to enhance my defenses. I need to become a superhero. Is anyone with me? We have awesome uniforms. I made this promotional video for you all. So, without further ado:</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If that didn't convince you, I don't know what will. Perhaps if I tell you that Cindy Crawford donated the fabric that made my cape? It was kind of her. She also donated the fan for the photo shoot. She's thoughtful like that. </span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir0iXeQTpsA6LlnRQzR0w38yL00UCOU-jPDoEnmCXaAxFL6nFC_yDIykvlmIpf6dQFUvRlfr2rSKTp9CC8E48FoE_JLHcVtvTT9F9MNdnnFa39JoVhrse9C35RFUPErZLCjK_RQ4fRecOP/s1600/Picture+1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="162" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir0iXeQTpsA6LlnRQzR0w38yL00UCOU-jPDoEnmCXaAxFL6nFC_yDIykvlmIpf6dQFUvRlfr2rSKTp9CC8E48FoE_JLHcVtvTT9F9MNdnnFa39JoVhrse9C35RFUPErZLCjK_RQ4fRecOP/s320/Picture+1.png" width="320" /></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace,</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">S</span>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-40673241181447575532010-12-02T17:38:00.003-05:002010-12-02T17:52:42.545-05:00Never Lie About Nudity<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wow people. Wow. I didn't realize how serious y'all are about your nudity (you know who you are... ANGELA). This false advertising thing was a bad idea. I have been getting all kinds of hate mail. Now I feel obliged to bare all. On second thought, some things are better left a mystery. I would lose my allure if you knew me that intimately. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Instead, I will share semi-nude pictures of my girlfriend with you.</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is my girlfriend: </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBMHGPVGPs8qQFl3NPBrMRmQE0gkELjcmjXh4FFlXQywgTtz53yqNhyIIETYUGvyxI98as2f9GGmDhsmqUY8yHGvWM9UUV-xhFAqRwVTu6uuHzqSfBHuNqWE53YEEVjg5iWdLq0HiZZ7e2/s1600/Seriously.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="203" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBMHGPVGPs8qQFl3NPBrMRmQE0gkELjcmjXh4FFlXQywgTtz53yqNhyIIETYUGvyxI98as2f9GGmDhsmqUY8yHGvWM9UUV-xhFAqRwVTu6uuHzqSfBHuNqWE53YEEVjg5iWdLq0HiZZ7e2/s320/Seriously.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">SEX SELLS</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know what you're thinking. You're probably wondering how a girl like me could get a girl like that. Especially considering that I'm straight. I just like to keep my options open, ok? I mean, I just walked into the store and there she was... </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ok, she's not my girlfriend. I LIED TO YOU AGAIN! But I walked into the Victoria's Secret, and there she was all giant and sexy up there on the wall, and you know what I did? I bought everything that she is wearing. Dammit. (I also got into an argument with the salesgirl about my cup size, but that is another fun story). So now I'm broke and girlfriendless. I even lost my real girlfriend. She was pretty mad when she heard about my affair. We're taking a break until February when we will go on a romantic all inclusive vacation together to see if we can work things out. I have faith that we will.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Me and Real Girlfriend:</span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQbg6eTOqQrfJ12MCzsQ65kau9GS49O_rHdhQm0IKSjr6PN9I1bfhFFasnfK6uYevoUh_fWVcx5K4rGlB9ODPWb0eRP6ub1MCxuPmAu2-f9Nz1hbQ3kEQHxwC8MXYPR3CmvLeVGkeNukxT/s1600/PICT3219.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQbg6eTOqQrfJ12MCzsQ65kau9GS49O_rHdhQm0IKSjr6PN9I1bfhFFasnfK6uYevoUh_fWVcx5K4rGlB9ODPWb0eRP6ub1MCxuPmAu2-f9Nz1hbQ3kEQHxwC8MXYPR3CmvLeVGkeNukxT/s320/PICT3219.JPG" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Happy New Year 2009!</span></span></td></tr>
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</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the meantime, I'll just have to enjoy the company of the opposite sex. I like 'em tall dark and handsome. Good thing I've got one of those lying around here somewhere... </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace,</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">S</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">**EDIT**: Speaking of sex selling, look at what happened at my school last week! Bring back Bill C-311!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYC7vUrC5Hc">BILL C-311 STRIP MOB</a></span></div>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-21053117639947421112010-12-01T23:27:00.000-05:002010-12-02T17:59:05.377-05:00Naked Pictures<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just kidding. No nudity. Just a really bad post that I thought I'd trick you into reading with some false advertising. If you love me, read on. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear World,</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If not the world, then at least the only ones who matter, because clearly you love/like/feel a mild but slightly favourable indifference towards me enough to read this. I thank you. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway world, I've been thinking a lot lately about things I love, and things I loath. Here are my preliminary findings (I am a social scientist after all):</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifCZJhGc-6b2jJW2JA7UDOWwWFwkq0oJpH5Jhw3-WG66XiT9XcBn0Uz0F3ls8ldu8Fh3gqnA9_B7fKcK6Or6jqSfsnWBzW-KXDBqyoP-g-Cbs8gbbFK_RSQpV9-sEvCOasW0djrDfjEc5c/s1600/Picture+16.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifCZJhGc-6b2jJW2JA7UDOWwWFwkq0oJpH5Jhw3-WG66XiT9XcBn0Uz0F3ls8ldu8Fh3gqnA9_B7fKcK6Or6jqSfsnWBzW-KXDBqyoP-g-Cbs8gbbFK_RSQpV9-sEvCOasW0djrDfjEc5c/s320/Picture+16.png" width="320" /></span></a><br />
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is just a small sample of things I love. See? I love shoes. I am not a hippie. </span></div><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE6u7d6maWvCDH6iH6U7FX9F9OS1QuJL7tdzvfVh5AuG5YTeRxhXIm_3VQIcSK9TBcXGx6YiOGPo_DcUbwbpmGzLVMjzAKeK0NSXeJU1ghAj6tXhnm5ErLzlDF_7Lwl0wunOTG0ejECUYZ/s1600/Picture+17.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE6u7d6maWvCDH6iH6U7FX9F9OS1QuJL7tdzvfVh5AuG5YTeRxhXIm_3VQIcSK9TBcXGx6YiOGPo_DcUbwbpmGzLVMjzAKeK0NSXeJU1ghAj6tXhnm5ErLzlDF_7Lwl0wunOTG0ejECUYZ/s320/Picture+17.png" width="320" /></span></a></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXRLkkWd01l2YXezhmlP0fum39xjxW0ULsyH1HXkn3Uy_gNZU5I8po4JrPz9MyU1gZWuKshmPosyhMP_FB8BNnY7D0sgcz6qpQPgRrqN1cm3Vf8ISpxPtElx1jSozJczTrsY5bbs9Jf6O9/s1600/Danny+A.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXRLkkWd01l2YXezhmlP0fum39xjxW0ULsyH1HXkn3Uy_gNZU5I8po4JrPz9MyU1gZWuKshmPosyhMP_FB8BNnY7D0sgcz6qpQPgRrqN1cm3Vf8ISpxPtElx1jSozJczTrsY5bbs9Jf6O9/s1600/Danny+A.jpg" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I hate Daniel Alfredsson so much that I was angered at having to type his name and spelled it all wrong. Actually, that is a lie. I had already made the chart and finalized it and everything and I'm way too lazy to go back and fix the spelling.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then there are things I love to loath or loath to love... like driving... or men. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I really love driving. And I do it a lot, so this is a good thing. However, I was driving home tonight and I decided I would be really nice and let this guy in a very sporty lowriding weird shaped car merge in front of me in a construction zone. Well, since everyone drives like idiots in the city, he didn't realize I was doing something nice and we ended up playing some sort of weird edging forward/sideways version of chicken. By the end of it he was waving a thanks to me as he pulled in front of me, just as I exploded into a series of expletives. I then felt guilty, but moments later when I beat his sports car out of an intersection after a red light (yes, I like to see if I can do these things) I realized that I have no sympathy for people who drive cars that they just don't know how to use. If I was driving that thing... man, I would DRIVE that thing. I drive Zoë like she looks like this:</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJCeiDn0GEr-8PCmVZG_P2Wh3xa6dvEgPxc1n4g71MsOirJA8U4sCWLSUfHhVvfpyreJy-gsm1YftSOL-CmIE77IYNzRT6km271HPLF-7o3rITSg9lRrqTuMF6EuEM_ytC0j0GxG2v6TUR/s1600/Picture+20.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJCeiDn0GEr-8PCmVZG_P2Wh3xa6dvEgPxc1n4g71MsOirJA8U4sCWLSUfHhVvfpyreJy-gsm1YftSOL-CmIE77IYNzRT6km271HPLF-7o3rITSg9lRrqTuMF6EuEM_ytC0j0GxG2v6TUR/s320/Picture+20.png" width="320" /></span></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Okay, so I chose the old model because in my head I'm also wearing a glorious red head scarf that goes flying off into the wind as I breeze on by... in reality, this is Zoë:</span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5oFH0nGF1WcKKYS09beVIlpREg8qpp3-Unl0Ak7kp4Xb-5yTElckCr1DqPF9KimM4ZAjPLRZeaX-c7am95zUmyTUpSlfkBzNzmCqo4-yhTBP4rVnsgHaqTk0mNwzVcEXvVdsfGLcrdLuo/s1600/Picture+21.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5oFH0nGF1WcKKYS09beVIlpREg8qpp3-Unl0Ak7kp4Xb-5yTElckCr1DqPF9KimM4ZAjPLRZeaX-c7am95zUmyTUpSlfkBzNzmCqo4-yhTBP4rVnsgHaqTk0mNwzVcEXvVdsfGLcrdLuo/s200/Picture+21.png" width="200" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She's not fancy. She's not powerful. And if you're driving some souped up Mitsubishi and get beaten out by some chickadee in a Hyundai Accent, you have no right to be on my road. GET OFF! </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">To the men I love to loath/loath to love, you know who you are. It's just some sort of chemical reaction. My boyfriend made this photo art for me. I like to think it's a picture of me falling in love: </span><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmkgFgwdn-grOVi9BChBT_w9U45l15LwUXolZ2rNJhTMyNIbFknejCe-j_qr7sg3LOxiC5bWcbBTZDa-DOaeAKDXIgpOwglhEqAMZpZuM75OwlNU5NRun8sHMQq3czkS68_DObMVuiv-nG/s1600/Picture+22.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmkgFgwdn-grOVi9BChBT_w9U45l15LwUXolZ2rNJhTMyNIbFknejCe-j_qr7sg3LOxiC5bWcbBTZDa-DOaeAKDXIgpOwglhEqAMZpZuM75OwlNU5NRun8sHMQq3czkS68_DObMVuiv-nG/s320/Picture+22.png" width="320" /></span></a></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See, first I'm like, "You're pretty. I'm going to play my guitar for you and you will fall in love with me because I'm a siren."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then I really start to fall hard, and my heart flies out of my chest so quickly that this causes the blood in its wake to vaporize (don't ask me why. I'm not that kind of scientist). In the mean time, I've started to bleed from my wrist and </span><br />
<div style="text-align: right;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">my arm pit. But apparently I'm still </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">really happy about it, and I have a magic ring. </span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This may be the worst thing I've ever written. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">S</span>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-14245167290526666982010-11-25T23:29:00.005-05:002010-11-25T23:59:15.501-05:00God vs. Darwin<div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hello Everyone! </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I thought I would try to convince you once more of my faith. I got scolded a lot about my last post. People threw rocks at me in the name of Jesus, and it hurt. But I definitely believe in creationism. If you were me, you'd have a hard time believing in evolution, and here is why. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Currently the best science that we have tells us that natural selection explains the evolution of species. Right. Faith in science. Here is a pie chart representation of where I place my faith:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga3neElCAWMl5x_7aZgjms3gsn63ZfnDLjDbSf2Bwh0ZdID1vJkLf6X7WXdMdk_QiWJFCyktFJ_KhXjOZdkn21KxgjNsEev4xG6ZM8V_Q2BZBwCDNLsrTrQWMQfDuP3W1tRW1VsHcahodr/s1600/Picture+12.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga3neElCAWMl5x_7aZgjms3gsn63ZfnDLjDbSf2Bwh0ZdID1vJkLf6X7WXdMdk_QiWJFCyktFJ_KhXjOZdkn21KxgjNsEev4xG6ZM8V_Q2BZBwCDNLsrTrQWMQfDuP3W1tRW1VsHcahodr/s320/Picture+12.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mmmmm... pie... Here is a graphical representation of the importance of pie:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJuW_Gq41QglH3nAvYcWLYWIGPvUi9JHVf_zmsws_W64zcOxiAuLy-RsOklHIc4lwYVtQ4a1fnKixIYT7WVj_qTQUIbBnI3yErBEt_W3LGLVx2G5pMeYhC_TklkfHuj95sY_LOystG8AQT/s1600/Picture+14.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJuW_Gq41QglH3nAvYcWLYWIGPvUi9JHVf_zmsws_W64zcOxiAuLy-RsOklHIc4lwYVtQ4a1fnKixIYT7WVj_qTQUIbBnI3yErBEt_W3LGLVx2G5pMeYhC_TklkfHuj95sY_LOystG8AQT/s320/Picture+14.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well... I live with a fluffy critter that helped me with the reallocation of my faith. Her name is Hawkslee. She is a Parrotlet. And if evolution by natural selection were true, she would not be here. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My poor parrotlet seems hell bent on breaking the bank with trip after trip to the vet. She doesn't appreciate the fact that I'm a student and have no money. I've gone into debt for this creature! The poor thing underwent surgery at only 6 months of age due to an injury she sustained at the hands of her very own beak. Scratch that... if her beak had hands that would be some pretty advanced evolution... But I digress. Even upon healing she has continued to periodically try to tear her feet apart with her beak. She's been in and out of the vet's, under observation, and there is nothing wrong with her. She doesn't have parasites, she is not depressed... they have no idea how to fix her. So basically, the vet came up with a temporary fix. The temporary fix went through it's own evolution. This is the kind of evolution I can get on board with, since I watched it first hand. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first attempt was to bandage the wounded foot, but of course the crafty little thing tore off the bandage after a few short hours. Then came an attempt to put a collar on her neck that elongated it a bit in an attempt to put her feet out of reach. This too failed. She can bend in scary ways. So finally, the vet came up with the reverse cone (tutu or satellite dish), which looks like this:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJQhuxEbfPzHZzRRf2NlrS2LAPiBPz1Xs0k_YBerB-5TZ3BDILtRKVh2Q4YKQkH9II5PzGBLrPXR4zdxfgGJr8MHcTMU7SqDNOdzhioaQ-WehyphenhyphenXEktJfgQPAggEArHX53Ko7qnPL6Sz4Gk/s1600/Picture+15.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJQhuxEbfPzHZzRRf2NlrS2LAPiBPz1Xs0k_YBerB-5TZ3BDILtRKVh2Q4YKQkH9II5PzGBLrPXR4zdxfgGJr8MHcTMU7SqDNOdzhioaQ-WehyphenhyphenXEktJfgQPAggEArHX53Ko7qnPL6Sz4Gk/s1600/Picture+15.png" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The last one is the saddest and most pathetic thing I have ever seen. She can't even fly when she's in it... is she still a bird if she can't even fly? Look how pathetic she is in this thing:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyAmiLTXb99zWRLV8zJjglJi68cEqORqX_hTNV5Q_s7iZBkimcx1QJDr3Pa6XEoM5pHw29F0sZPk7XpUZalsw' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">See? How can you watch that and believe that this is a more advanced stage of anything!? (And no, this is not being cruel... without that thing on she would bleed out, and it's only on in the very direst of circumstances!)</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Poor baby. But she's very loved!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLHIEI3_CzNPLT7KJAlejijk-wgEW3y_iVCzf3_jeFIToQo12SvT5ot66UeqQpN1KSnfmJ9V2sjJdOIweF0xzIcCh0ufUupJXL-QHQBunJOg7Q2tSNZCbkdWGBKmpfXAe5Jfje8eXxaOVH/s1600/Photo+740.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLHIEI3_CzNPLT7KJAlejijk-wgEW3y_iVCzf3_jeFIToQo12SvT5ot66UeqQpN1KSnfmJ9V2sjJdOIweF0xzIcCh0ufUupJXL-QHQBunJOg7Q2tSNZCbkdWGBKmpfXAe5Jfje8eXxaOVH/s320/Photo+740.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
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</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"></div>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-88881566686681303902010-11-24T15:56:00.005-05:002010-11-24T16:52:59.425-05:00Delusions of Grandeur<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear World,</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Something else you should know about me. I am very religious. In fact, I should probably be considered the world's leading expert on religion. "Why is this?", you might ask. You might say, "She doesn't seem very religious" or, "she's living in sin!" Both of those statements would be true. But it's not what's on the outside that counts. It's what's on the inside. And what's inside of me is blood (and guts and organs... you know). And this blood that I speak of has all of the powers of Judaism and Catholicism churning up a storm in my veins. I'm like a Kabbalist high on holy water. My mind is fluid and all-knowing. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I love bagels and Jesus loves me. Why he chose to appear to Finn on a grilled cheese and not to me on a bagel is beyond me. </span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQCYckvfWfdBUH4JkvpYHOWBC0TbJDVG6JMTbOTo4MVFQ0UNAFLvhLyJqsR49CySSfjHnY-PJqPhGX-bId1nEqy6uE5FB0kbK4N3s-Bfxdb_EPo41hC1UWjc9cyjEuC9GJ1Sz3QLaFO4oa/s1600/Picture+13.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="319" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQCYckvfWfdBUH4JkvpYHOWBC0TbJDVG6JMTbOTo4MVFQ0UNAFLvhLyJqsR49CySSfjHnY-PJqPhGX-bId1nEqy6uE5FB0kbK4N3s-Bfxdb_EPo41hC1UWjc9cyjEuC9GJ1Sz3QLaFO4oa/s320/Picture+13.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Grilled Cheesus</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How did this happen? My parents thought it would be a great idea to tell me that I'm Jewish, but still tell me the stories of the New Testament, and let me play with a Jesus doll in a manger that my mom set up every Christmas. They also taught me to eat chocolate each spring in celebration of the most significant ghost ever to walk the face of the earth. And so I do. Well, not so much any more, but I did. I got the best of both worlds. I also got a lot of confusion and guilt, oy vey, Jesus, Mary and Joseph... but we can leave that for another time. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, as the leading expert on religion, I feel like I have to break some bad news to you that may cause you to restructure your entire life. Here it is:</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Ten Commandments are GUIDELINES that have evolved with time, and there are exceptions. As with all things biblical we cannot take them literally. For example, would you make a human sacrifice? Cuz I hear they did those back then...</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmWtjcQfZF2jEuBETsP5UrzFTcxhXbnwtEFKvtkQJwEKHBh3NRe4vYS2qWF4gUtUAbvcqvAEBaVswz6vAG0AI2DeaTnN8LXDytLsoEtbKyypyWL4ALq0yzaOT8gZAWbhdMZesg7HBxs0kv/s1600/Picture+14.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmWtjcQfZF2jEuBETsP5UrzFTcxhXbnwtEFKvtkQJwEKHBh3NRe4vYS2qWF4gUtUAbvcqvAEBaVswz6vAG0AI2DeaTnN8LXDytLsoEtbKyypyWL4ALq0yzaOT8gZAWbhdMZesg7HBxs0kv/s320/Picture+14.png" width="290" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Random picture of me looking high in a Batman T</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Case in point: Part of the 10th Commandment is, "Thou shalt not... covet thy neighbour's wife." Ummm.... my boyfriend would likely encourage me to covet my neighbour's wife. He would also quite possibly encourage me to commit adultery with my neighbour's wife, which flies directly in the face of the 7th Commandment. Holy double commandment fail, Batman!</span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Also, Scroobius Pip says thou shalt <u>always</u> kill, which, according to the 6th Commandment is a big no-no. How can you not trust Scroobius? I mean, look at this guy. He looks like a modern day Jesus.</span></div></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJYKL4KgZkbNMFP80dIUWZKf_4khFC6hY1bqrFfSXII1wlB0DovqWsqGgm_ebRqfcbxvcxEPNl3rJYgshAEekgIVX5aBL9XhJWFAUlU9Cp95g5y_YLi8NnCiN7EAgG6kAskxIC-wznUQgZ/s1600/Picture+12.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJYKL4KgZkbNMFP80dIUWZKf_4khFC6hY1bqrFfSXII1wlB0DovqWsqGgm_ebRqfcbxvcxEPNl3rJYgshAEekgIVX5aBL9XhJWFAUlU9Cp95g5y_YLi8NnCiN7EAgG6kAskxIC-wznUQgZ/s400/Picture+12.png" width="333" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Scroobius Pip</span></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here are some much more applicable commandments according to Scroobius Pip: </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thou shalt not steal if there is a direct victim.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thou shalt not worship false pop idols.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thou shalt not stop liking a band just because they've become popular.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-english speaking countries as to those that occur in english speaking countries. Thou shalt think for yourselves.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Thou shalt always... kill. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I like to think he doesn't mean the last one literally. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My friend took this picture and I stole it. It's the last thing to add to the list. Thou shalt :</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu48FdN6yCBi20nzLAv0tFFW8XOZhWkCnEPFrtmzw1Jx0VuLrZ_drw2BgXf5ajT6YhWQdc44xQ7KsL5OredgLs4e6oiXUIRq3buUuycrW_gQjV1QHcIcw11PiHvA65rad6T-InjTHF69zu/s1600/155400_1727658635345_1354806955_31874099_2245165_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu48FdN6yCBi20nzLAv0tFFW8XOZhWkCnEPFrtmzw1Jx0VuLrZ_drw2BgXf5ajT6YhWQdc44xQ7KsL5OredgLs4e6oiXUIRq3buUuycrW_gQjV1QHcIcw11PiHvA65rad6T-InjTHF69zu/s400/155400_1727658635345_1354806955_31874099_2245165_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Photo credit: Sean P. Stephens<br />
<br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> Amen.</span><br />
<br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;">**Disclaimer: I am not in any way questioning anybody's faith. I'm just having fun. Mostly at my own expense. </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;">I don't know the first thing about religion.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Peace,</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">S</span></div></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-20031198370887613952010-11-23T20:21:00.009-05:002010-11-24T16:58:37.001-05:00My Dirty Nickname<div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I know that ever since I harassed y'all with my e-mail/Facebook update about things to do with/not do with my blog oh so long ago, you have been dying to know one thing: What oh what is my dirty nickname? </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br />
<span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> </span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well, it's my Blogger name. Chatnoire. I chose </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">this name when I started my first failed/neglected way too serious blog last year when life was kicking my ass. You may not view that blog. I murdered it with a fork. Next time you hold a fork I want you to think about that. Also, I now have a Macbook. See the way that PC just lay back and took it? Macs don't take crap from forks... Anyway, now my life is awesome, but the choice of that name is haunting me a bit because of something someone told me recently. Chatnoire. Doesn't sound so bad, does it? Well, think about it. I'm not going to spell this out because then I'd have to put a warning on my blog about adult content.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is the serious damage:</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJYsAI7FDAH41xsmutJTl2C_QbTw0fHBiO9R6o6PMExNjIT5A4vdgwbpWz_GjOMGrv2g7xkzTqmWq0SvRFiNfW4IJf9pzWNvIjoZH1FSxhggWVvTxK_gZz6jGNleTz4DeU9cJF_5-oi26H/s1600/Picture+6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJYsAI7FDAH41xsmutJTl2C_QbTw0fHBiO9R6o6PMExNjIT5A4vdgwbpWz_GjOMGrv2g7xkzTqmWq0SvRFiNfW4IJf9pzWNvIjoZH1FSxhggWVvTxK_gZz6jGNleTz4DeU9cJF_5-oi26H/s1600/Picture+6.png" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">**EDIT: For those of you who don't know, this is the background of the default desktop for Windows XP** </span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></span></div></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"></span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">Gang of forks:</div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPzplFTvj9S-EWZA1gmMArDoHtWtSj-72wbvF1m0qVmqREICHmb8V6nfGws2iL6V1yVU8u3IMY7VoIveOaT-6k34kTOTXrfAKkE1gcpl601mTKAhI8Z_XWtab46J8QHY_huPVUsc2_wL8W/s1600/Picture+7.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPzplFTvj9S-EWZA1gmMArDoHtWtSj-72wbvF1m0qVmqREICHmb8V6nfGws2iL6V1yVU8u3IMY7VoIveOaT-6k34kTOTXrfAKkE1gcpl601mTKAhI8Z_XWtab46J8QHY_huPVUsc2_wL8W/s320/Picture+7.png" width="252" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-large;">DANGER</span></span></u></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">It all started out very innocently. Some of my family started calling me "Shanois" some time ago, and somehow a friend of mine turned that into "Chat Noir" (Black Cat, en français). Being female, and French being a language with gender, this should technically be "Chatte Noire". Well, just think about the English slang word for certain female nether-regions and you'll put two and two together. **EDIT: Since someone, no names mentioned, didn't go there (mind must be pure or something), I will give you a hint. It starts with the letter "P")**. I have not told my family this horrible shameful secret about the cute little nickname they gave me... but they will probably read this and know and then I will feel guilty and ashamed. Either that, or they will be like, "Duh." (Oh the 90s...)</div></div></span></span><div style="font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWna7Qctdz4msCKMA4Wf0oU_OE6DTG7PoCUFvdp_njz8tQ2G3o-Ht42r34T1V2XbH8VG1ALvhZrBSQEtA9Png-CJp3YEIX_3a74ViFTTnVEp6PzPSdPKOqeDa-aG0efVdULaDXsmpd6njg/s1600/Picture+8.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWna7Qctdz4msCKMA4Wf0oU_OE6DTG7PoCUFvdp_njz8tQ2G3o-Ht42r34T1V2XbH8VG1ALvhZrBSQEtA9Png-CJp3YEIX_3a74ViFTTnVEp6PzPSdPKOqeDa-aG0efVdULaDXsmpd6njg/s1600/Picture+8.png" style="cursor: move;" /></a></div></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="padding-top: 4px; text-align: center;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #999999;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Inner demon revealed</span></span></span></span></div></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Upon discovering the truth about my beloved nickname, I was devastated. I've always loved black cats. Before we adopted Evil Cat I really wanted to get one and name it Ninja. Ninja Kitty probably would have been evil too, but c'mon. How cool would it be to have my very own ninja?</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Anyway, I modified it to be Chatnoire, because that at least keeps the loverly feminine 'e' on the end. I just can't bring myself to let go altogether. It's pretty and elegant if you don't think about it too hard, which I clearly have.</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And hey, if I fail at life, I already have my stripper name waiting for me.</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Just kidding.</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I won't fail at life. I'm too awesome.</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Besides, who would want to see this strip anyway?</span></span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></span></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Times; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTqO_7z348eObVGitxHgg0oveIihCNifvMZtqLZAxqx_B4kt44f9iMJewvLIobIIjeEb2wujrc69oO9kPWFryz06vtUuLJZtBeJYyAnCVCBz3XAEzJjVH3yLYnDt6dGIvPkpdHik2pDKMU/s1600/Picture+9.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTqO_7z348eObVGitxHgg0oveIihCNifvMZtqLZAxqx_B4kt44f9iMJewvLIobIIjeEb2wujrc69oO9kPWFryz06vtUuLJZtBeJYyAnCVCBz3XAEzJjVH3yLYnDt6dGIvPkpdHik2pDKMU/s320/Picture+9.png" style="cursor: move;" width="184" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times;"><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Honestly people. What is wrong with you?</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></o:p></span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;"><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Peace,</span></o:p></span></div><div><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span></o:p></span></div></div></span><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">S</span></o:p></span></div>Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6699735653430434513.post-76711713591032306822010-11-22T16:29:00.010-05:002010-11-22T21:44:03.904-05:00Things I am not<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7Uy59YDDU3LJwCnmoFxejUwSHqhjJwOI25PG-2lCEO6qLWpBKi9Z_9uXySpHCKaulh1Uy-pNVhWosOkrYVNQhk1xKfxeLstedxgDEi-qAhZn93-VUSDPqFVGdxBRpvBZE3D9XmIml3vgv/s1600/Picture+4.png"></a><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Dear World,</span></span></div><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I don't know the first thing about blogging, or what I even want to say, but I thought a good introduction would be to tell you some things about myself. So, here I am:</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">1. The first thing you need to know about me is that I'm Cindy Crawford. Here is a picture of me standing in front of a fan just after stepping out of the shower:</span></span></span></p><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6pizwPpOrruZrWtR3p7EH9P3yUvY3yLNdA3f5LGsZIadc4lTPx5GC3G-jErgJLdAMQHhzIXT9LCQWtF25Fhlhg7VuOIxATNxRYvZK4YjVIyA7QVT682-7KFTXzhmNIA_vCIDvSS3Kv_94/s320/Picture+2.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5542522084353563618" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 179px; height: 320px; " /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">2. Just kidding. I am not Cindy Crawford. SURPRISE! But here is why you might confuse me for her: Last year when I was applying for my passport I asked my friend to vouch for me to the government. I had known him for at least 3 years at this point and seen him at least 5 days per week. When the government called to ask him to describe me, he gave this description:</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Height: 5'9"</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Weight: 120lbs</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Hair Colour: Dark Brown</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Eye Colour: Brown</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">According to Wikipedia, the most trusted and accurate site on the whole internet, I am Cindy Crawford's long lost body double! Wow! Sadly, this could have cost me my passport since I'm 5'5", way more than 120lbs, and have blue eyes... Luckily some other people know me better. I decided to show you what it would look like if I dressed up like Cindy Crawford and stood in front of a fan. It's not pretty:</span></span></span></p><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 284px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjoum_1AGbwrnHWSL8ruqWSmhEKupHtTCt_WQ8pSjs0mbVV1hNxhxd8jrza1RUJvjXJ5Pykr4Lu5Cd-Kda8J-yhSo5FlZbaftKZt0ER73y_v_t2kGlUW9EYrlVD2EaEpq-GctTpPqeUEO4g/s320/Photo+910.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5542522274056437186" /><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">3. Here is what I look like when I'm being normal:</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:24.0pt;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Times;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; font-family:Georgia, serif;"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7Uy59YDDU3LJwCnmoFxejUwSHqhjJwOI25PG-2lCEO6qLWpBKi9Z_9uXySpHCKaulh1Uy-pNVhWosOkrYVNQhk1xKfxeLstedxgDEi-qAhZn93-VUSDPqFVGdxBRpvBZE3D9XmIml3vgv/s320/Picture+4.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5542554205920809906" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 273px; " /></span></b></span></p><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Times;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; font-family:Georgia, serif;"><br /></span></b></span></div> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">4. Nevermind. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">5. I am not a hippie. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">6. My attention span just ran out.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">7. I like fire.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0VZ4hfafEdLLiw8IczHj4vu3hyNJ9zKSwGiVnSmOPLfrkALs1TJN-ebm28GKakwaiHSdriPr_DgM6yfHTOIpvk1D6UMdRqmMeHKBO_4o8KAGS1ISSN5seMhJhQoFpaSdL7dc2bgDLD0Fq/s320/Picture+3.png" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5542522959768042466" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 161px; " /></span></p><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" color: rgb(0, 0, 238); -webkit-text-decorations-in-effect: underline; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Georgia, serif;"></span>Peace,</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-GB"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">S</span></span></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Chatnoirehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12366960322249613672noreply@blogger.com6