Tuesday, January 31, 2012

I don't speak Twitter, but I can if you'd like

I’m sitting here in a pair of jeans and a bra, one sock on, one sock off, because I was stripping down to do laundry (yes, it has been so long since I did laundry that I have worn today’s outfit more than once… okay, more than twice –IT HAD TO BE WASHED) and had all of these feeling sorry for myself thoughts rushing through my brain. I decided to blog about them. A nice, big, fat, self-indulgent bitchfest that no one will have fun reading (just kidding… it will be SO MUCH FUN). And before anyone says anything (because I’m sure you’ve already thought it), yes, links to this post would trend on Twitter as #firstworldproblems, #whitegirlproblems, and/or #bitchshutthefuckup.

To begin: My life is good… really, really good right now, so don’t think I’m really freaking out. I’m just seriously annoyed at my immune system. In the last three weeks I have had strep throat, the stomach flu, and now I have been visited by my dear old friend, the common cold. Leave it to that fucker to strip me of any decency I had left (oh, I haven’t  mentioned that I slipped on black ice on Sunday and lay stunned on the pavement for what felt like minutes –though it was probably mere seconds- while praying that no one saw me because I apparently care more about looking stupid in front of people than, you know, being concussed). I had to drag my butt to Guelph to attend a class this morning that isn't even a class I'm taking. I rolled in there just on time, with no make-up, my scarf pulled up over my mouth to contain the little shards of plague that escape every time I cough, and a box of tissues clutched to my chest. I then sat dejectedly in a corner for an hour and a half trying not to disrupt people with my phlegm. 

If the common cold had an eyeball, I’d stab it with a fork. As I’ve said before, forks are dangerous (see what I did there? Props to me for continuity. And props for giving myself props… that wasn’t uncool at all). I’m surprised the FAA hasn’t added them to their list of forbidden items. Seriously. I think people could do more damage with a fork than a butter knife, but maybe that’s just me. Maybe the rest of you are really handy with butter knives.

Okay. So, the reason the common cold is an issue for me this week: I am giving a guest lecture on Thursday, and I have to sound like I know what I’m talking about. This wouldn’t be such a problem if my lecture topic hadn’t been changed on me today (okay, I’m lying to make myself look better (as we’ve already established that I care more about the way I look than I do about things like, you know, honesty and common decency #youresovain). I actually misunderstood what I was supposed to be doing and it only just became clear to me this morning) and now I have to revamp the whole thing, am slightly less comfortable with the material, and my voice box has been temporarily replaced with a wheezy phlegm factory. Oh, and of course the runny nose thing. Maybe I’ll just go in there really unprepared in my most provocative outfit and hope for the best. #badteacher, #inappropriate. Awesome sauce.  #clearly

Then again, maybe not. I totally forgot that I don’t have any cleavage. #smallboobs (WHOA… don’t search that trend. It yields scary results for virgin eyes comme les miens).

Other problems this week:

1.     The inability to cash my insurance check from my totalled car due to the fact that Statefarm won’t take my step-mother’s name off the cheque, even though she has nothing to do with my car itself #brokensystem. I’ve wasted hours of my life dealing with this #nobodycares.

2.     My demented/satanic yet adorable pet parrotlet has given me the pleasure of escorting her to the vet’s three times this month (twice in one day, during a blizzard) just because she was sick of her old tutu and wanted a new one… white is out, brown is in this season. Who doesn’t know that!? Apparently not me.

3.     I’m still sharing a double bed with another woman (WHO I LOVE –In a platonic manner… I say this to placate my boyfriend who probably won’t even read this anyway) and have nowhere to keep any of my clothes. It will be this way for the foreseeable future.
    Let's Play Footsie               My Dresser

4.     I just made the most amazingly light matzo balls for the most flavourful chicken soup I have ever made EVER and there is no one here to witness it. #JewishProblems YOUR TASTEBUDS HATE YOU.

5.     What if my parrotlet lays more eggs and they hatch and the babies are actually dinosaurs? This photo is a fairly convincing argument in my quest to prove to you that I do, indeed, have a pet dinosaur. It also proves why dinosaurs went extinct. #WTF

6.     Transformers are real. 
I found these Transformers in Nagoya, Japan... They think they're being crafty,
but I know better

My car is a Transformer. It's name is Alice. Why? Because it fuckin' told me so, and you don't mess with a Transformer. #truestory
Alice listens to Britney Spears

7.     I just spent 2 hours on this post instead of actually preparing the lecture I was complaining about not being prepared to give. Shannon G, PhD in Procrastination, at your service. 

Okay. I’m done with this post.

Peace #ImOut

P.S. See, I could totally Tweet if I wanted to @shannonedana (I never use it… #justsayin)

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