Distracted by shiny things

I am distracted by shiny things. Namely my Macbook and my iPhone. This realization fills me with self-loathing because even though I claim not to be a hippie, my tattoo kind of gives me away. I'd hug this planet if I could. It's darn beautiful in so many ways. It made this in my backyard:

I'm having a hard time reconciling the tree-hugging and technophilic tendencies in me. The biggest problem is that the tree-hugger is a pacifist and the technophile wields the biggest, bestest and most beautiful chainsaw. Okay. Not really. 

Anyways, iOS5 is so super cool. The new drop-down menu tells me the local weather AND delivers my very important emails about maternity bras. 

The stacking feature for notifications from apps lets me know how much of a bitch I am being by ignoring my friends at any given time. Blogging is my life people. I don't have time for any real kind of human interaction. You want to meet face to face? Who the hell does that anymore? 

I finally replied because I didn't want to be an asshole. 


I pretty much only interact with the world through my iPhone. Facebook, Twitter, Whatsapp, SMS, Email... my iPhone is where it's at. I just wish I had the new iPhone 4S. Then I'd really never have to see anyone ever again. I'd have a new best friend in Siri. 








The new reminders feature helped me plan out my über productive weekend:

So I have now effectively wasted an entire 12 hours doing nothing. I need to go work. Russel Crow is watching me and he's making me nervous. 

He's watching you too and he's very judgemental. He Tweets a lot. 

See ya when I see ya.

Peace. 

This post has done copious amounts of cocaine

Oh heeyyyyyyy. Remember me? It's been a while.
In fact, it's been so long that I'm pretty sure this post has got to be epic.

That's right. I've been playing with gif generators. If that's not epic, I don't know what is. Check out this gem:

You may be wondering why on earth I'd make a gif out of my boobs. I have a very good reason (other than the two very good reasons already exhibited). If you do a Google image search of the word 'epic' every 5th image is very similar to this one: 


Now boys, if you read the image creator's caption and are feeling tempted to follow suit feel free to do so and I won't pass judgement. I'd say I won't even know, but let's face it, if you've read the rest of this blog and understand the holy powers I possess, you know I will know... but I will not judge. I love all God's creatures (Monday through Friday. All bets are off on the weekend). 


But I also realize that despite my blessing you may not be in a position to follow suit. Maybe you are having breakfast with your wife as you read this on your iPad/iPod/iPhone/MacBook* (cereal and blog!); perhaps you are on the bus; perhaps you are giving a presentation of the contents of my blog at the office and now every man in the room is uncomfortable... Doesn't matter why, but I have the antidote: 

RUBBER FACE!

Bet there's no fapping now...


So what have y'all been up to since I last blogged in March? I have been quite the busy bee. I travelled to many countries, visited many people, took many lovers... Okay. The last part isn't true, but I thought it would make me sound cooler for a second. That second has passed. I did in fact travel, but some of that was for work. Mostly I have been staring at my data and wondering (through a veil of tears more often than not) how on earth I am ever going to turn it into a convincing Master's Thesis so that I can GET ON WITH MY LIFE!


To deal with my stress, and to prevent multiple holes from being punched in my wall, I took up boxing/muay thai. I am having a hard time reconciling my love for boxing with my love of dinosaurs. Look at the poor T-Rex:

Wook at da widdy biddy dino-arms :(

And then look at me:

boXing 4EvR

T-Rexes clearly don't work out as much as I do.

Shanosaurus vs. T-Rex: Exhibit A

Shanosaurus vs. T-Rex: Exhibit B

You should realize by this point that not only am I the world's leading expert on religion, I'm also the world's leading expert on dinosaur boxing. 

Why don't people take me more seriously!?

Peace

*Any other tablet/smartphone/computing device is not endorsed by this blog

Note: Don't write on your face with eyeliner. It doesn't come off as easily as you would expect

**This post could not have been brought to you without the generous support of tonight's sponsors: coffee and insomnia**

What`s up MarchÉ

My computer keyboard keeps resetting itself to French for some reason... that title was supposed to say, "What's up March?", but I liked the weird accent grave apostrophe and the accented E. It made me feel all cool and internationally mysterious. By the way, please read 'accent grave' in a French accent... I'm not talking about grave (read: serious) accents here. Besides what would a serious accent be? I found the most awesomely useful internet tool to help me answer this age old question. It's a tool that allows you to do type to text in different accents. Here are some of the ones I found most serious:

Which one do you find most awesome? Please, do share. I like taking awesome factor polls. 

So, why have I not been blogging? Because I've been super bogged down with work and the stress is really getting to me. Even my vacation didn't help. While it was nice to relax in a warm climate, it also made me feel hypocritical for participating in mass tourism, and reminded me daily that I gained 20 pounds last year. Damn you bikini. This is the one beach picture I enjoy of myself and feel okay enough about to post on the internet:                                                                                        

Tattoo art by Heath Ledgeberg

I should probably stop being down on myself... or I should start another blog where I can whine about things, because really, this blog was meant to be light and ridiculous. 

Anyway, I'm grumpy because I decided to stop eating junk, and as a result I'm hungry all the friggen time. While fruits and veggies are yummy snacks, I'm always left feeling hungry. Any tips? And yes, I am eating lots of protein in my meals. 

GAH! This is too serious. I should try channelling frustration into work rather than complaining on here. 

I promise to have more entertaining posts in April. March is crunch time. Back to it!

Peace,

S

P.S. All work and no play is no fun... 

Guess what?

I didn't die!


I'm just really busy.


I'm sure you were all very worried.


I have nothing to say right now.

About the author

So I was just reading about a book (I will not tell you what book because I'm embarrassed), and the little blurb about the author read, "Ms.               is the author of the bestselling books                   and                  . She lives in England." That is the saddest short little bio I've ever seen. Who else is she? Much more than that I'm sure. The following is what my little blurb would say if someone other than me was awesome enough to publish anything I write (and let's face it, that is unlikely. There is just too much awesome here for anyone to handle): 

Ms. Awesome is the author of the legendary blog Neither Here Nor There, not to be confused with other inferior blogs entitled Neither Here Nor There, of which there are many. You'll know which is the correct one when you see it. It's the one with all the awesome and is endorsed by Cindy Crawford. 

Ms. Awesome hails from the land of ice and snow (Canada) but has spent short stints living in California and Switzerland. In California she was a house cleaning illegal immigrant whose claim to fame was possibly having seen Britney Spears' hand reaching out of a limousine window. In Switzerland she was a student. Her research from this time has proven that chocolate is, in fact, a food group. Her claim to fame in that life was having gained 20 pounds in four short months. 

In her spare time, between her very serious and important job of blogging, Ms. Awesome is an aspiring geographer and musician. She is most famously known as a geographer for her work on conserving nature for the sake of the rich middle class. Her most famous song to date is a little ditty entitled Weird Mosquito, inspired by her boyfriend. She currently lives in Toronto with her pets, Raisin the evil cat; Hawkslee the mentally challenged dinosaur; and Brian the fully grown boy. 

Ms. Awesome realizes that many readers may find this little biography ridiculous. Well, you know what readers? SO'S YOUR FACE!

Booyah!

Bonus Material:

If you've made it to the end of this post, you get to see the bonus material! This should make you feel special and good. So, without further adieu, I present your prize: