Vicious Rumours

Dear World,


The internet is a powerful weapon that has been turned against me. While the internet has brought us wonderful things like "Charlie Bit my Finger" and that ridiculously cutesy kitten getting tickled, it has also provided an enhanced avenue for gossip. Essentially, it's made gossip into scuttlebutt on crack... however, it has also given me a reason to use the word scuttlebutt in context. Then again, it has also caused me to feel somewhat alarmed that not only do I know the word 'scuttlebutt', I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS. Wow. 


Anyway, point being, a rumour has been spread about me on the internet. Here is the picture that has sparked the controversy: 

Sexy Bitch

I happen to enjoy this picture because most pictures of me actually come out looking like this:

Kimono Shopping in Japan

Now, there is really nothing particularly wrong with this photo, I just look like a total dork. And I am a total dork in real life, so hey, this is a more realistic representation of myself. I'm sure y'all can understand that when a nice photo comes along I have to take it and run. My eyes are only slightly squinty in the first photo, and my huge gigantic Julia Roberts smile is somewhat tamed by the fact that I took the picture of myself (total loser, I know) and didn't have anything real to smile about at the time (I was taking a break from my job as resident lizard catcher (that part is no lie)). 

Anyway, what I need to make clear is that I HAVE NOT HAD BREAST ENHANCEMENT SURGERY!

The truth about my boobs is that they are tricky. I have already briefly mentioned my war with Victoria's Secret. They have made it their mission to try to stuff my breasts into A cups for some reason, no matter how many times I have told them they don't know how to use a measuring tape. I have had two jobs where I had to fit bras, and I can guarantee you, it's not that hard. The last time one of their girls tried to tell me I was a 34 A I made her bring me a bra in that size so that I could demonstrate to her how wrong she was. I put on the bra, she took one look at the overflow of flesh (I seriously looked like I had 6 boobs. 2 in the cups, 2 on the inside, and 2 just beside my armpits. That is either a serious nightmare, or every man's dream. EXCESS BOOBS!), shrugged, and told me that's what I measure so she can't help me. Amazing customer service. 

Look at these images and tell me which one makes you think of breasts:

Picnic

Conveniently Boob-shaped Mountains

Well, you may be interested to know that Victoria's Secret has been fooled by the power of the picnic. That's right people. I have what those in the know call "Picnic Breasts." Here is how the lovely salesgirl at Tryst Lingerie described my lady bits, "Most breasts are like mountain tops. You get up there, admire the view and then ski on down. With a picnic breast you get up there and realize how inviting it is, so you spread out the blanket, pull out some food and stay awhile." That's right people. Lunch is served daily inside my bra, so eat up. That sounded way more suggestive than I intended. It's really not sexy to put food inside your bra, nor are you invited to attend any luncheons therein should I choose to host them. 

The end. 


Peace,
S

P.S. I bet you will think about my boobs when eating lunch tomorrow. 

P.P.S. Jesus probably still loves me, despite it all.